a post directly from the heart of a wednesday's child

today I am lacking in self confidence and I don't know why... I mean, I am the same person as I was yesterday... so why today am I feeling like this?

I am usually quite confident in who I am and how I decorate my home. But one thing I know about myself is I worry about what people think of me and how I am perceived... well sometimes. Most times, I go along my merry little way. It usually happens around certain types of people.... I have a few friends that are not really into the same things I do. I quilt with them and they are lovely, lovely girls. But they don't quite understand blogs or swapping or any of the collages that I am doing. And they sure as hell don't know about my spiritual search, my constant craving to know the meaning of life. I shudder to think what they would say if they knew about my 'soul searching journal', that I am trying to get going.

I am even different when I am around them and I hate it. I act normal. why? Why don't I have enough confidence to just be me?

One of them called me today and asked if I was coming to patchwork tomorrow and I told her that this term I was doing an art class... so she said she was calling in to drop something of..... now I am sick to the stomach with worry about what she will think when she sees my messy verandah (yes, my housekeeping has been taking a back seat to my art work lately) . Why am I worried about what she will think of all the bells & other hippy stuff hanging around... and my lotus blossom pond at the door. I just want to be true to myself and I don't know how. . . am I the only one like this?

Vale ~ Billy

"most people I know, think that I'm crazy"

yes, those words were sung by Billy Thorpe about me, I am sure....

he died this morning aged just over 60.....

when I was a teenager, I danced to Billy Thorpe and the Aztecs. I had his name written all over my pencil case, posters on my wall. I was in love..... it is scary when people from your teens start to pass away.......

a fine line. . . COPYRIGHT

something has been bothering me for awhile now and if I get it out - I may get an answer. No use keeping worries bottled up inside... and some of you may not agree with me... or you can just think that it is nearly full moon and I am out of control once more. . .
being inspired by some one's art and creating your own version - to complete down & out copying. where does the line start & end?
I am the first to admit that I am inspired by many, many talented artists out there..... and I get ideas from them all the time... but please God, I hope I am never viewed as copying someone else's art work.

I see things, love them and of course I cannot copy - it is not in my soul but I do get inspired and try to create something of my own.
Just lately I have noticed some big time copying of the work of some of my friends..... and unless you visit the same blogs that I do, you won't have any idea of what the hell I am talking about. Yes, BIG TIME copying.... some people are copying work that others are trying to make a living from or have had an idea and put it on their blog and someone else runs with it. And then says it is 'their own work' ~ huh? 'scuse me?

so just what does copyright mean? Do you have to buy a copyright or can you copyright something by just saying 'this work is copyrighted' ? to me - it doesn't matter which way I look at it - if you don't come up with the idea in the first place - then its not your idea and you should give credit & thank the person for inspiration ........

a hippy swap ~ are you a flower child? CLOSED

sorry the swap is closed

I am closing this swap on Wednesday... so if you are still wanting to join please let me know. see below for details....the photo above is what I bought at the Sacred Lotus for the giveaway... once you have sent your parcel, I will put your name into some kind of vessel and draw it out... if you win, I will send this to you.. a thankyou for joining my swap...

remember the 60's ?

all that peace & love. incense & psychedelic t-shirts. make love not war. Patchouli oil. the Doors, Jimi Hendrix & Janis Joplin. flower power.

the years of my youth.

When I stepped back in time in the little shop called the Sacred Lotus, I had a flash of an idea.

A swap - I know they say that if you remember those years, then you weren't really there.... but I am sure most of you can remember something about them.

you can include something handmade if you wish as well as incense, oils, bangles, bags. oh the list is endless! run with it. No marry-joo-wahna (as my mum calls it) - what fun! you could even 'burn' a cd of all your favourite songs, hmmm is that legal?

legal in the 60's? oh man! far out ! !

I am sure you get the idea, just a little collection of hippy stuff, so that when your partner opens her package, she is instantly transported back in time ~ is that a good thing? . . .

* if you want to play, email me with your postal details. Sign-ups are open til the end of February. This is an INTERNATIONAL swap, as it is easier for me to organize.

get it on!!!!

but wait there's more! for those of you who do 'play' ~ I will have a giveaway ~ after signup closes ~ I will draw one name out and that lucky person will receive a box of hippy stuff from me......

groovy

thoughts ~ from my journal & gratitude...

I am doing quite well with this simple abundance journey - I don't always remember to write my gratitude down but I do notice alot of the little things in life, which really aren't that little ~

take for instance the citrus butterfly that I saw this week - my grandson Thomas pointed it out to me - "grandma, look at that huge butterfly on your rose" and there it was gently fanning its gorgeous wings, drying them from the downpour earlier that morning.... so I turned the car off and we stood there, just watching....

I have felt overwhelming thanks & gratitude this week, deep in my heart and soul ...

I was told this week to go out into my garden, early each morning and to smell a rose - to breathe in deeply - the perfume of a rose changes the vibration of the cells in your body and brings peace to your soul.......
take this if you will...... (if not, don't email me and tell me I am nuts)

"sometime in life you will go on a journey

It will be the longest journey you have ever taken

It is the journey to find yourself"

~Katherine Sharpe~

And I am very thankful that my soul chose this journey of mine, hard as it is sometimes. I am also thankful that I live on earth in the age of the internet....where I receive support from women, very much like me, who live across the other side of the world. And when I cry out for help, they are there in an instant, surrounding me with love, hugs and friendship.

the Sacred Lotus......my new home away from home

come with me......

as we walk down the path.... a white feather wafts down on an invisible wind..... seemingly from nowhere..look up... not a bird to be seen.

YES! this happened to me this morning while I was walking down the path.. a white feather for me from the angels......

welcome to my new find.... the sacred lotus.... the hippy shop that I 'discovered' a few weekends ago.. now one of my favourite haunts.
the place that inspired *the Hippy swap*

step back in time, to those peace & love days.... the days of our youth.

bells & elephants...

Buddha, Kwan Yin and tibetan peace flags....

light shades, bangles & incense

my home is starting to look very much like this... I love it!!!!

purchases today included faery & geranium incense, a black & white rose skirt & a batik light shade.... gawd knows where it is going....

a Friday in the life of miss*R

I woke this morning with the thought of driving to Katoomba to a second hand book shop to look for an old book to use for my altered book - soul journey. This book shop is two stories high.. full of books - old and new - all used.
so off I toddled - and looked & looked and looked.. touching, feeling, trying to find the perfect book. You know, one that 'spoke' to me -- I found a couple of art books for $5 each with some great prints in them and then I found MY book. It is perfect...

SWEET THAMES RUN SOFTLY by Robert Gibbings ~ with engravings by the author.
It is a delightful book, it really is.
The man who owns the shop, sits in his arm chair all day, reading. He is old, white haired and wears glasses. He has a knee rug on his knees... even in summer. When I went to pay for MY book - he let out a loud sigh of exclamation(if you can do that) and said to me " oh this is a delightful book, a collectors item and only $5!" ~ " did you see the sketches in them?" ~ well, yes I did, that is why I was buying it... I didn't have the heart to tell him that I wanted to alter it, tear pages out, stick pictures in...... but NOW ~ I am not. I just cannot bring myself to destroy this book, if it means so much to a little old man who sits in a chair all day long. One who lives for and loves his books. No siree, I am using a new art journal.....

In the back of MY book is a postscript. He talks about his travels, trying to find solitude & the world. an excerpt:

Admittedly there is cruelty and illness and poverty, but there is also abundance of kindness, good health, and richness of spirit. For every child that cries by the roadway there are fifty who are laughing in the fields; for every bird that is taken by a hawk there are a hundred still singing in the trees. Even in these days when hell bursts upon our world, like boiling lava from a volcano, let us remember that for every insult offered to humanity there are a hundred deeds of heroism.......
that, was written in 1940

faery friday. . .

Fairies dance all night long and, in the morning, rings of mushrooms may be seen. They are the boundaries of the dancing circle. Be careful not to step inside the circle, as you may enter the Fairy Realm. If you are near a ring when the fairies are dancing, you'll be drawn to it. If you enter, you will dance with the fairies, unable to stop. It may feel like only minutes, but it is, in reality, years, around 7. The only way to get out is if someone comes after you and pulls you out, while keeping their foot outside of the circle.

I didn't go to art class yesterday. I stayed home in my 'art studio' and created.... I played with my collage piece and made a woodland sprite for a one on one swap with artsy mama..... a little woodland mushroom ~ I like her. I was going to add wings but I don't think she needs them. She will be on her way on Monday

I really love creating dolls ~ I love giving them away too..... I love to make them for someone - they take on a life of their own as I begin and I really don't know where they will end up. I am sometimes suprised how they turn out.

wishcasting

I cast my wish for this week. . .

for myself ~ I wish for spiritual contentment & I wish for a world healing.

wish casting

a yearning. . .

before you read any further, I am warning you that this post is straight from my head. You see, I have been vacuuming, and thinking and this has been worrying me for awhile and I NEED TO GET IT OUT..... not sure if it will make any sense at all.

I have a thirst in my soul, a yearning in my heart. That needs to be filled and I don't know how. It is not something that being with people can fix or things can fill. I ache with a loneliness deep in my soul. Creating 'stuff' helps to relieve the pain, sometimes. I am not depressed at all... I feel quite joyful actually, quite bubbly inside but sometimes I could just about cry with frustration of this thirst. I need help. I need to be guided and shown where to go, what to do and I need help in remembering to ask for help & guidance when I need it... the angels tell me that often....
I have tried lots & lots of things.... different healing modalities and various religions.... but NOT ONE fills the hole... oh they do for a short while... but then there is that niggling that I mentioned and I start to thirst.
I need a spiritual mentor..... someone who I can bare my soul to and maybe they can help me along the way.
I want to journal for my soul, I want to write and read poetry, paint and draw for my soul.... I want to create an altered book that feeds my soul, speaks to my soul and helps my souls thirst..... so, if you are listening God, angels or whoever is in charge of it all.... can ya help?

for those of you who asked..... a legend. . .

after my post yesterday, I had many emails asking about the Three Sisters. Yes, there is a legend. I also have a spiritual tie to Katoomba - when I go there, I feel emotional and spiritually connected. I go there nearly every day so I can just be there and absorb the energy. I often comment on it to Joe - how it makes me feel, sometimes it makes me cry with sheer 'oneness'

and didn't have a clue what it was until my 'wise woman' pointed out that it could be a power center or vortex for me and yes! I think that is it....it really makes my heart 'shiver & tingle' with pure emotional spirituality (if that makes sense)

The Aboriginal dream-time legend has it that three sisters, 'Meehni', 'Wimlah' and Gunnedoo' lived in the Jamison Valley as members of the Katoomba tribe.

These beautiful young ladies had fallen in love with three brothers from the Nepean tribe,

yet tribal law forbade them to marry.


The brothers were not happy to accept this law

and so decided to use force to capture the three sisters causing a major tribal battle.

As the lives of the three sisters were seriously in danger,

a witchdoctor from the Katoomba tribe took it upon himself

to turn the three sisters into stone

to protect them from any harm.

While he had intended to reverse the spell

when the battle was over,

the witchdoctor himself was killed.

As only he could reverse the spell

to return the ladies to their former beauty,

the sisters remain in their magnificent rock formation

as a reminder of this battle for generations to come.

from my journal & a peek at what I am grateful for this week

starting the simple abundance journey this time, has been so far for me, like unlocking a cupboard that has been closed for years - you knew what was inside but had forgotten just how special some of the things were.

me at age 10? I was a serious child like I had the worlds problems on my shoulders and in many ways I guess I did - well so I thought. I had a handful of friends, I wasn't little miss popular but to that handful I was loyal. .

Sometimes I feel inadequate with this constant searching of mine. I 'arrive' at a comfortable place in my spiritual journey and I feel settled, like I have found what I have been looking for and I relax & sigh. Then, the niggling starts again, like my soul is tempting me, come, there is more...... and then as I travel I feel like I am alone, to seek and find.

I like the term that was used this week - inner safari. I cannot wait to discover myself......

I noticed alot to be grateful for this week but just didn't get to writing it in my journal.... but living here, in the Blue Mountains, a World heritage area. A place where I can really feel the soul of Mother Earth.... for that I am thankful - a thanks from deep withing my heart and soul..... take a peek at what I saw on my walk.......

all of the photos above were taken at dusk at Echo Point in Katoomba, home to the world famous Three Sisters..... Joe and I often walk to Echo Point and have dinner looking at these views... how lucky we are!

I am not a professional photographer and my camera is a fairly basic digital Kodak... but I play and took these two photos of the Three Sisters.

not decoupage !!!! COLLAGE !

this is just a continuation of Mr Beans art class ._._._
during class, I mentioned that I had a photo of my nan, that I wanted to cut out and collage it to the background, along with a piece of tuille and a vintage locket or something similar. The teachers' eyes lit up, as she proceeded to tell me that she had done a decoupage course, many years ago and showed me the glue that I am supposed to use to attach the photo ~ it has to be applied on both the background and the back of the photo (which I am supposed to painstakingly cut out with teeny tiny scissors, every little point and crevice). She showed me some ivy leaves she had decoupaged to a wooden box! oh my lord, I just don't have the patience for that. I just grab any old scissors and snip away like a 5 year old. After spending hours cutting, I am then supposed to put layers and layers of decoupage stuff over the top of it to make it be like a shiny piece of glass. My teacher even told me that I could pour liquid resin over the top, to make it even more perfect.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !
that isn't what i want. I just want a mixed media thing, that I made all by myself....

I played with it yesterday, I just want to finish it so that I can get onto my goddess art work.
so without further ado -
ta-da!

I need some 'advice' from all the arty people out there in the world....
1. I want to put some kind of quote along the top - mentioning whimsy....I was thinking: "a bit of whimsy, maybe. . . sentimental ~ yes". how should I do this stamped or cut out words(if I can find them of course)
2. do I seal this? I want it to have a slight sheen, it is very matt at the moment.
3. nan needs something on her head, ???
I know as I go along, I will get more confident - well, I sure hope so.

Mr Beans art class

so, yesterday ~ off to art class I go, boring, blue background tucked under my arm, .... armed with various paints that I scrounged from Sophie - aquas, lime greens and some childrens paint brushes. Alfoil, old credit card and other bits n pieces that I thought I might use. A piece of vintage lace.
And I started to mix paint, yet again. This time, being very frugal and of course not mixing enough to dab over the blue (which by now was looking like a flat piece of blue to me) - I wanted to add something to it. So I dabbed and criss crossed (yes, very much like the Mr Bean from last week, tongue held just so) and then I ran out of paint. so i mixed more, not taking a whole lot of notice as to what I was doing and I grabbed the wrong colour and ended up with rose pink. gawd. how hard it is to be an artist. by this time the teacher was looking at me quite strangely. she asked if I was going to be hanging this on my wall. actually I have visions of opening an art gallery - ha! .....

so, this is my work so far - it has taken a whole different track to what I had in mind. I was sitting there, in class, painting, up and down, colour after colour - trying to get something that I was at least half happy with & the inner child got the better of me and I started to do spirals, the teacher said something like - 'oh' you are putting a bit of movement into the background, good.' But, still not happy with it - I then got a yellow and mixed some pumice like substance that I had bought at the art shop and did yellow circles.... I then proceeded to stencil over my vintage piece of lace.... at this point one of the other ladies cried out 'Robyn, you are so talented!' - actually made me feel a little less self concious. I painted some cups, not sure if I like them, I don't want a still life, I want mixed media collage - but I can play with it and see what I come up with.

Next week, I am planning of 'creating' my version of Mary. I reckon that could be sacreligious.
stay tuned for the decoupage escapade

loving

my rose quartz - I have this in every room! the locket was my nans

Valentines day - a day when Cupid shoots his arrow and supposedly makes us all run around meeting our soul mate and live happily ever after. Well, I have met my soul mate, we are past that bubbly not eating phase of love but still love each other to death and living happily ever after ? well tell that to this thing we call life - however.......

I wish each of you a valentines day full of love FOR YOURSELF!!!! - today do something that you love, buy yourself something that you love, treat yourself as you treat those that you love! appreciate yourself & love you, for who you are! I am going to !!!

a gift

with all the lovely gifts that I have been receiving, my daughter Sophie asked me ages ago, if I could ask my friends to send her something. well, no I can't Sophie, it is not good manners to ask people to send you a gift.

My daughter Sophie, my youngest, a child of my heart, the girl who worries me constantly, a gorgeous girl but so naive. So ditzy at times.

She gets sad sometimes as 17 year old girls do and last week I ordered a comfort package from Colette. comfort package

It was plopped on my doorstep today ~ just before Sophie arrived home from flute lesson, just before Valentines day and just as her wicked 'time of the month' arrived.... thankyou Colette..... it made her feel special. the package was full of special little things, all surrounded with gorgeous cerise flowers and two pieces of art by Colette, which are hanging right now on her mirror...
ya know, I realised today, that I just have to grin and bear this girl of mine right now, I have sown the seeds as I did with my other two & I have to trust the universe that everything is as it should be. All I have to do is love her and she will be ok. She will come out the other side of these teen years, ok. She will be a strong, wise woman. lord help me get through it.

missing daisy

my friend Daisy Lupin has had a computer crash & I am missing her dreadfully.

just dreadfully.

amazing though, just as I was typing this post, up popped an email from her..... I must rush off to see what is happening. . .

heart art

this weeks art challenge for "inspire me Thursday" is heart Heart art. I like these kind of things - a challenge - it gives me a theme to run with...here is my heart art for this week:

I tried a new 'technique' that I found on the internet - inkjet transfers - fun! I don't have the key yet - but I am on the lookout for it & when I find the key that fits, I will pin it to the heart.

the gratitude journal

yesterday afternoon, we had a torrential downpour - and it kept going. It just poured & poured overnight - I know it will take alot more than this to break our drought but oh, the sound of the rain on our tin roof, sounded like a choir of angels!

my first born turned 32 today. yes, 32 years ago at the age of 17, I gave birth to a teeny tiny baby weighing 5lbs 14oz. A tiny little boy. mind you, I was a tiny little girl and just a baby myself. But I did well and my son has grown into a fine young man - a father of two himself.

it brings joy to my heart - to sit and look at my children - to see them mature into caring, decent people.

yesterday, Joe & I went out for lunch and I 'discovered' a true Alladins Cave ~ I spied a sign saying ' the Sacred Lotus' and not being able to control myself, I followed the path and around the corner was a little shop - but more on that next week....... just a glimpse of what I bought:



have no idea what these are called but they go along the top of a doorway - I loved it - so I bought one at my discovered Alladins cave ..... it was cheap, is not an antique but I adore it ! If I had ever visited Morocco or India, I am sure this would bring back memories of my trip

my style of decorating follows no rules ....if I like it, I use it.

posty, posty don't be slow. . .

"Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet, nor hail shall keep the postmen from their appointed rounds"

~ so what was it that caused this parcel to arrive about 4 mths later?

my swap gift for the tea-towel swap from Liz - LIZ - was sent middle of October and it arrived late Friday afternoon battered and battle worn - inside were some gorgeous things: 3 teatowels, some peppermint tea, a lovely lavender sachet (which I am surprised that it wasn't confiscated by customs) and a package of ephemera...... sadly, I don't think my package to Liz arrived either. I will put another package together for her but I am not sure if I can find any more gorgeous vintage teatowels........

also plopped on my doorstep were three other packages - it was like Christmas:

I am sure customs think I am drug runner. They constantly open packages and remove suspect items - lavender & tea mostly. what a hoot! my name is on the list of the highly suspect

1. a sweet, sweet resin pendant made by Sacred suzie - thanks Suzie, I wore it yesterday xo

2. my sock swap from Pea - a gorgeous blue pair with a butterfly on them! ~ Mister Customs had a wonderful time removing the lavender from the parcel and was kind enough to inform me that I had to pay $48 if I wanted it fumigated. I decided not (and if you are reading this Pea - I am rubbish, rubbish - yours was sent late. I was looking for a special pair of socks that I had seen and tried and tried to get them. In the end I gave up and sent some others. But I will still look for the ones I truly wanted and get them to you when I find them)

3. my valentines gift from Angela - yummy chocolates which jumped into my mouth all day yesterday while I was playing in my art room! thankyou thankyou from the bottom of my heart!

* * *

PLEASE, PLEASE ~ REMEMBER TO PUT A CUSTOMS DECLARATION ON ANY PACKAGE YOU SEND INTO OUR COUNTRY!

CUSTOMS DON'T SEEM TO OPEN PACKAGES WITH THE CORRECT PAPER WORK

my 'art' class part deux

continuing on from yesterdays post ~ I forgot to tell you this: I think I am going to be the 'problem' child in this art class. I am sure I already exasperate the teacher. In two short hours !

First of all, I had all the 'wrong' things - I had an old table cloth to protect the table instead of the obligatory bath towel.

I had all my art 'stuff' in an old whicker basket instead of the plastic crate that every one else had.

I wanted a blue background but didn't have the correct blue, so she suggested I mix some of my gesso (which I bought because I liked the name - gesso - sounds very arty, me thinks) - so I started mixing, dolloping and dolloping gesso onto my plastic icecream lid (other ladies use a porcelain plate covered in gladwrap so that they can use it again) & I got some cobalt blue and happily mixed away, it was looking very much like fondant by this time - she looked at it and said ' my, you have certainly mixed alot of blue' - and yep! I had enough to paint the opera house - twice !!!

the other students suggested that I save it in a plastic container so I could use it again, they were even kind enough to give me a plastic jar, so I did what they suggested and promptly through it in the bin when I got home. I mean, how much blue paint does one need?

I have noticed that my blue background is showing signs of not being 'perfect', there are white marks where I missed. My teacher told me, that I may have to give it two coats but

1. I don't want it to be a plain blue canvas - I want to put other colours as well

and

2. I don't have any blue paint because it is in the bin!

I think that both Colette & Shell should fly quickly down here & show my teacher how they did their art. She doesn't know how Colette got all the colours on her backgroun and she is baffled over what techniques Shell has used

Oh ! and my teacher also teaches a childs class on Thursday after school & while I was painting my blue background, I asked if I could change to that class - they all looked at me like I was off the planet! but - the kids class does papier mache, finger painting, splatter painting and they make fun stuff - my inner child's dream!

don't get me wrong, my teacher is a nice lady and helpful but I am beyond her wildest nightmares.

outside the box, ladies, out side the box

sometimes, we do the dumbest things

last Saturday, I went and enrolled in a mixed media class - or so I thought - on the class list it was definately listed as Mixed Media art/folk art. My first class was yesterday. I turned up, with canvas board, large paint brushes, a copy of a photo of my nan when she was a little girl and various other bits n pieces that would result in me, creating an idea that is in my head. so I sat down - arranged all my bits much like MR Bean and noticed that we were being given a sheet of paper with instructions for folk-art. my class is a folk-art class - where ladies learn how to do commas and dots which will then be turned into flowers and other things. where they use expensive sable brushes with names like deer foot and feather brush......not my cup of tea - definately not, I told my teacher. This is what I want to create: producing two pieces of art - one made by Colette & another by Shell. Both gorgeous. Both, definately my cup of tea. THIS is what mixed media is, I informed my teacher. THIS is what I want to create - I need techniques - can you teach me? so we sat down and talked about what I wanted to do..... I am now the proud owner of a light blue background, ready to be 'techniqued' next week - all I need now are some vintage lockets.....

the optometrist

yesterday I had my visit to the optometrist. I wear glasses for close work & reading. So off I went, plopped myself into the chair and he asked me if I worked on a computer. of course, my work is not on a computer - but I do spend a hell of alot of time on it....way too much time - enough time so that my house looks like a whirlwind just ripped through it. so what am I supposed to say? ~ I BLOG? yeah sure - and get that blank look of 'what the hell is a blog?'

no-one understands blogging unless they are a blogger themselves......so I held my tongue and told him I wasn't on the computer for long periods - I hope white lies like that don't send me to hell. Have you ever tried to explain to friends just what a blog is? or even admitted you have one?

so I blog. yes. and why?
well at first it started as a bit of fun - describing my day as I went about my daily routine. But I could only tell so many times that I clean my bathrooms on Mondays & flutter about the home in a haze of lavender. Sometimes, I went back to childhood memories and every once in awhile something from my heart. meeting a handful of women - getting excited when I 'met' someone....
then I started to journal and it seemed just as easy to put my thoughts down here - I type quicker than I write and my thoughts became discussions with others.

However, I am not really sure why I do blog - I know I just can't stop. Is it an addiction? Is it because I need to know that I what I think and write is actually interesting to someone else? I don't understand this phenomena called blogging - I run around taking photos of the mundane and put them on my blog - wondering if someone 'out there' will be interested enough to comment. I sit and wonder what the hell I will write about today . I get flashes of thoughts throughout my day and rush to my paper to write it down, a beginning of yet another post.

I think I have been blogging for nearly 3 years and in that time I have blogged more than one post per day. sad but true. Geez, I don't think I even took Christmas day off!

I look forward to words from wise women, to hugs from those who care, & support from those who know what I am going through. I look forward to a kindredship with women who are exactly like me. And yes, I look for acceptance.

I travel the world, reading of other peoples lives - sometimes something, someone says hits my heart & I think to myself - this is me! this is exactly how I feel, how I think.

I take what I read with me - thinking of something that was mentioned somewhere - I think of other bloggers throughout my day - I stress over someone not visiting. So it is part of my life now. so where do I go from here? I have absolutely no idea

full of woe n worry

don't you just love this - worry flower. I found it on this blog : worry flower. I tend to call myself a worry wart - but from this day forward I am a worry flower. love it!

"Polly. . . wished that her......sashes had bigger bows, and her little ruffles more lace on them. She sighed for a locket. . ."

~ Louisa May Alcott ~ an old-fashioned girl

today - I feel like Polly. I am sighing for a locket - not a real gold locket but a locket that holds the secrets to me being less of a worry flower, a happy soul instead of a sad sack.

I was one of those women who in her late 30's and into my 40's and heard whispers of menopause - but it seemed a long way off. I sat smugly, thinking to myself that I wasn't going to be one of those women who were affected by hot flushes and mood swings. oh no, not me! I was going to breeze through this thing we call menopause, (it sounded like secret women's business) until I was put into instant menopause, over night after radiation literally fried my poor old ovaries (I know I harp on my cancer but it was a big part of my life and I can no longer push the feelings down - cause it was crap to go through and to deal with - and I know I am 6 years past treatment, for that I am thankful, but I did not deal with the emotions of it all way back then. They are now rearing their ugly heads.) .... so here I am - flung into menopause in a big way and I don't want to be here. I just don't, it's not fair and I hate it . I hate how the emotions of menopause make me feel. I hate how I need to keep justifying why I am like I am and why I feel the need to blog about it. I hate how my blog is not a happy place to be sometimes. I hate how I feel guilty and complaining when I need to get it out here in my blog. I just hate it. but still I continue - hoping that one person may have the magic word that helps me.

and like boho girl says: "perhaps writing down my worries and then transforming those worries to something positive on paper.

sharing it all here is a start."

grandmas garden

"I looked for grandma's garden and found my own"

this has been favourite saying,of mine for many years - it applies to me. Constantly I tried to recapture the garden of my childhood - the garden where faeries spoke to me and the garden where I knew all about herbs. I was driving my grandson to school this morning & on the way home, I was thinking of my garden - and my grandmas garden and it dawned on me that my garden had become what I wanted.

I didn't plant this dandelion, but when I noticed it in my garden on the weekend, I decided to leave it there. It looked so healthy and reminded me of my grandfather. He used these in salads and maybe, I can make some dandelion tea?

yes, oleanders are poisonous - so 'they' say. However, only if you eat them
my nan had a whole grove of them - this is the only one I have but I am off to buy a cerise one today!

an original pear tree from the old orchard. The birds usually get these before I do. I noticed about 6 or 7 half eaten on the ground today. wasteful damn things are the white cockatoos

rhubarb - oh yes, my grandma made rhubarb and apple pie to feed her 7 sons. They had lots of it growing. This sure brings back memories of my grandmas garden! the leaves are good to make an aphid spray from.

these are victorian garden edges - not reproduction. I have only 3. not sure where they are going yet, but my grandfather had many of these in his garden.... I was about 12 or so when he died. I wish I had written down all the things he taught me - I know they are deep in my memory somewhere but I sure as hell can't acccess them. Or maybe I can? maybe that is where all my garden knowledge comes from - cause I just 'know' stuff.

Monday & a waning moon

breathe, breathe - Miss Full moon has gone - she is on her waning way to the New Moon. Lord help us ! Next time I come back, I am gonna come back as a man - no moon swings !

Yesterday was spent in my garden, noticing that Mother earth is lulling the plants into a false sense of autumn.... PLEASE DON'T LISTEN, PLANTS!!!! it is February here and we will get heat waves like nothing on earth, more like Mars - and the poor plants will have dropped their leaves and will be burnt to a crisp. I mulched yesterday and did a little watering. Sunday is one of our allowable days. I still feel guilty when I water but I refuse to let my plants die. I look on my garden as a part of this world that I have been given to look after - so I do it with loving care. That is where the REAL me lives, in my garden, out of my body & in my soul. yes, I am odd - a fruit loop as Joe affectionately calles me.

I just felt like taking some photos yesterday, around my garden. . . .

remember the flowering pink gum flowers that I bought myself a few weeks ago? well, theyt died so I hung them out on my verandah. They are beautiful in death too, are they not?

these are some hips on one of my roses - amazing colour and shape! My garden is lovely, just gorgeous - I am a lucky girl - I have green hands, not green thumbs.

Joe made me this birdhouse - we had a french magazine and although we couldn't read the words, we certainly could understand the photos. There was a birdhouse just like this and oneday Joe made this for me. He has made me many, many birdhouses and some of them were featured in a magazine a few years ago - then I saw them sprouting up all over the place!

the gratitude journal

oh gawd, what a week! full moon sent me bonkers. is it all in my head? but as low as I felt, I still had time to find gratitude for the blessings in my life. just last night my daughter Sophie was looking at me and said ' you know mum, you are really pretty' - I was taken aback. I had a little bit of makeup on, not much and my hair was up but I didn't feel pretty - I felt old and haggard. her remark made me cry.

I also am grateful for the emails that I received - some of them hit home for sure. one email said in part :- "it's all just like the school playground really, one week someone is flavour of the month, next week someone brings in a new toy and everyone is all over them like a rash, then a new girl arrives and everyone wants to be best friends and someone else gets neglected..." and another: "Perhaps you just need to cave for a while? Perhaps you're giving away too much energy right now and need to be inside just you and your life for a bit?Remember, the energy in women's lives waxes and wanes. Sometimes we can give, sometimes we need to retreat."
and so many more kind, thoughtful words. words that made me think. and I am grateful for each one. ....

so ...while reading today's entry in Simple Abundance - I realised that I don't know how to 'pray' or talk to whoever it is that we are supposed to talk to.....I was indoctrinated as a child with the 'on your knees, thanking & fearing God and asking him to bless everyone except yourself' and I have never progressed from there. I am not talking religion here (hate, hate that word and all that goes with it) I am talking spirituality. I was brought up with an awful, fearing God - oh we sang all the lovely songs at sunday school and I never understood why in the songs He was supposed to be bringing joy into my heart when inside my soul, I was quaking in my boots from fear, hell and damnation. and I am still waiting to rejoice after bringing in my sheaves whatever the hell they are.

I treat myself just like that - I judge myself and make myself fearful to a point of insanity, me thinks

oh yes, I go through the motions, contemplating, reflecting and all that but I never reach out to whatever it is out there that is bigger than me - Goddess, God, universe, * call it what you will. I try to handle stuff myself. I forget to ask for help, or more it is that I don't know how. And I never completely put my trust in whoever we are supposed to put our trust in
-hopefully with the help of simple abundance, I can learn to put my trust in whatever I am supposed to and find inner peace, because I so want to!

what a mouthful all that was!

I actually have faith

I am back because I read this:
faith and also this: create a connection

no subject at all

here I go again.

like I said in my previous post - I am sad. and I know I am being hard on myself etc, etc. i think for my own peace of mind I need to stop blogging.

Not just blogging but BLOGGING.

I have been looking at lots of blogs tonight and each time I read other blogs, I would get more upset - why can't I be a jolly blogger? why am I the one who bares her soul for all to see? There are so many bloggers who are happy & their blogs are just joyful. Why am I such a needful person? I hate it.

Cause I am not like that in real life.

I know that we are supposed to blog for ourselves but does anyone really do that?

I thought I did but I rely on comments so much. Not so much comments but to know that people care, to know that they are interested and I am interesting.

I guess I lack self confidence or have low self esteem, I don't know what it is.

Cause I am entirely different in blog world to the real world.

Blogging makes me feel insecure. Blogging makes me wonder why some people don't 'like' me or more so - can't be bothered with me anymore (that hurts) - or why people take it upon themselves to email me and tell me that they aren't visiting many blogs anymore but then I see them all over other blogs - that hurts

and the more I try to explain here , the bigger hole I am digging, making myself sound like a damn nutter.

It is so hard to explain what I am feeling and not to come across as petulant

I am in a few swaps and will honour those that I have joined up for.
oh and the seashells - I have sent most of them out - if you don't get yours within a week, please email me and I will send one again. there was a dreadful mixup with postage.



I know I will regret this post in the morning but I have to be strong. I have to , for my own peace of mind.
if you still want to keep in touch, please email me.
oh and I need a best friend too - if anyone is out there who can cope with me & my ups n downs.... I would be glad to hear from you.
I am a loyal caring friend, truly I am.

lunatic

(the picture above, was found on the net 'somewhere' - I did not create it)

here I am, making my breakfast, planning on playing today, feeling very smug that the full moon hasn't affected me - then all of a sudden, out of the blue I am hit by a wave of sadness, loneliness, a melancholia. I thought I had been missed by the full moon this month, now it seems not. I am sad. Not depressed but sad. overwhelmed, but with what?
feeling like a lunatic and realising that the word has the word LUNA in it - I looked up the meaning:


1. an insane person. (I don't think I am)
2. a person whose actions and manner are marked by extreme eccentricity or recklessness. (umm - yes to eccentricity - recklessness? No!)
3. a person legally declared to be of unsound mind and who therefore is not held capable or responsible before the law. (no to this one)
4. insane; demented; crazy. (demented? yes, sometimes)
5. characteristic or suggestive of lunacy; wildly or recklessly foolish. (never reckless)
6. gaily or lightheartedly mad, frivolous, eccentric, etc.: She has a lunatic charm that is quite engaging. (yes, that describes me!)

then it went on to say:

insane and believed to be affected by the phases of the moon (hmm. . )

then this:

In Matt. 4:24 "lunatics" are distinguished from demoniacs. In 17:15 the name "lunatic" is applied to one who is declared to have been possessed.(oh geez...it is getting worse by the minute)

I think I will take to my bed, til the full moon has passed. I am sad and I need a best friend.

my best friend is playing golf today....... and anyhow, he doesn't quite understand the moon - well not like a woman does.

does nothing ever change?

When I was down at the seaside a few weeks ago, I went to the local op shop and bought some old National Geographic magazines, to rip and cut up for my journal & collage. Yesterday, I was looking for some words and found this:

it really took my heart....... the year was 1994.

nothing has changed.

nothing has been done.

surely there is something that I, as a single person can do?

my faery altar, candlemas and other stuff

create a fairy altar to honour the fairies and to ask for their protection. Your altar can be anywhere you wish - you can have more than one & you can have one outside, wherever you put it - it will be yours and reflect your personality.
You might like to cover it with some shimmery, glittering fabric. Or you might like to decorate it with crystals, candles, a faery wand or ornament - lots of glitter or you might want only natural objects - leaves, shells, stones, feathers & twigs. whatever reminds you of fairyland but remember the little folk do not like iron

I love Fridays - it is MY day. A day that I do whatever I wish to.

Candlemas day today. . But is it really Candlemas for me? Down here - it is supposed to be the harvest festival - Lammas. Of course, I am totally confused. However - I am going to have lots n lots of tealights burning for Candlemas and will probably celebrate Lammas on the weekend. There are no rules.

I read this on the internet last night and it made much sense to me.

I believe that pagans of yesteryear did not do rituals for their Sabbats and certainly not in any ceremonial way to which Gardner has it. He was a ceremonial magician and combined the Sabbat celebrations with ceremonial ritual which was performed when doing magick. I believe the pagans of yesteryear celebrated the Sabbats as a festival where people gathered and shared in the seasonal changes and not standing in some cast circle, calling in Quarters with athames flying and incense flowing. They might have simply performed some sort of celebration in their home in honor of that Sabbat. Many of the pagans were farmers and worked from sunrise to sunset. Their lives were just as busy in simply trying to survive as our lives are busy now.

HECATES CAULDRON

and today I am going to play. I am involved in an altered book swap - a one on one and I am obsessed with it. The ideas & creativity are pouring out, much like the rain outside (YAY!). as well as doing some pages for a chunky crow book swap that I am involved in as well. I can create anything when given a subject but if I have to come up with a subject - that is when I freeze up. I am thinking of joining our local artist community centre - they have classes at the moment in mixed media - it may give me some techniques and help me to loosen up.

In my mail box this week I had two pleasant surprises - a sweet set of faery cards from Pretty Lady & an ATC from Janet - it is gorgeous and will be put into my journal. thankyou so much to each of you. I am amazed at the constant love that is sent through the mail - it touches my heart xo

AND it is the FULL MOON ! shh - things are ok here right now, no lunatic episodes.....