honesty needed - beware a *soul journey* post

I woke this morning - early, around 4.30 am (as I do at the moons waning) and I couldn't go back to sleep. So, I grabbed my knee rug and went out to my little sitting room - where my fire was still burning and where my big snuggly chair lives. And as I do at this time of morning I got to thinking - and fretting of course - so I decided to post what has been bothering me

I need some honest opinions, constructive critiscm - not character assasination though xo ~ those who can access my blog are my friends so I feel that your opinions may help me do some more soul work. I am not asking so that I can get kudos or praise - I just need to work through this for my own sanity.

here ya go :

what is it about me that some people don't like ? I honestly, from the bottom of my heart ~ try to be nice to everyone - I don't feel that I come across short to people and most always I am very aware of what I write in my emails. However - just this past week something happened with a blogger who I thought was a friend - and for the life of me I cannot work out what - not going into details (and it was not ANY ONE who has access to this blog) but it has happened often over the years with various people and now I am begginning to think it may be me.

so ~ please if you have any thoughts on this, I would be very grateful. some may hurt but I can deal with that (I think) -

I know not everyone is going to like everyone else - the world is not like that, I know but I just wonder why people like me oneday and the next I am receiving 'narky' & sarcastic emails.

I know I am not a saint at all - god forbid! I do get angry sometimes and can be a down right - awful person but most times I think I am fairly easy going.

so what is it ???

thoughts ~ from my journal & gratitude...

I am doing quite well with this simple abundance journey - I don't always remember to write my gratitude down but I do notice alot of the little things in life, which really aren't that little ~

take for instance the citrus butterfly that I saw this week - my grandson Thomas pointed it out to me - "grandma, look at that huge butterfly on your rose" and there it was gently fanning its gorgeous wings, drying them from the downpour earlier that morning.... so I turned the car off and we stood there, just watching....

I have felt overwhelming thanks & gratitude this week, deep in my heart and soul ...

I was told this week to go out into my garden, early each morning and to smell a rose - to breathe in deeply - the perfume of a rose changes the vibration of the cells in your body and brings peace to your soul.......
take this if you will...... (if not, don't email me and tell me I am nuts)

"sometime in life you will go on a journey

It will be the longest journey you have ever taken

It is the journey to find yourself"

~Katherine Sharpe~

And I am very thankful that my soul chose this journey of mine, hard as it is sometimes. I am also thankful that I live on earth in the age of the internet....where I receive support from women, very much like me, who live across the other side of the world. And when I cry out for help, they are there in an instant, surrounding me with love, hugs and friendship.

from my journal & a peek at what I am grateful for this week

starting the simple abundance journey this time, has been so far for me, like unlocking a cupboard that has been closed for years - you knew what was inside but had forgotten just how special some of the things were.

me at age 10? I was a serious child like I had the worlds problems on my shoulders and in many ways I guess I did - well so I thought. I had a handful of friends, I wasn't little miss popular but to that handful I was loyal. .

Sometimes I feel inadequate with this constant searching of mine. I 'arrive' at a comfortable place in my spiritual journey and I feel settled, like I have found what I have been looking for and I relax & sigh. Then, the niggling starts again, like my soul is tempting me, come, there is more...... and then as I travel I feel like I am alone, to seek and find.

I like the term that was used this week - inner safari. I cannot wait to discover myself......

I noticed alot to be grateful for this week but just didn't get to writing it in my journal.... but living here, in the Blue Mountains, a World heritage area. A place where I can really feel the soul of Mother Earth.... for that I am thankful - a thanks from deep withing my heart and soul..... take a peek at what I saw on my walk.......

all of the photos above were taken at dusk at Echo Point in Katoomba, home to the world famous Three Sisters..... Joe and I often walk to Echo Point and have dinner looking at these views... how lucky we are!

I am not a professional photographer and my camera is a fairly basic digital Kodak... but I play and took these two photos of the Three Sisters.

the gratitude journal

yesterday afternoon, we had a torrential downpour - and it kept going. It just poured & poured overnight - I know it will take alot more than this to break our drought but oh, the sound of the rain on our tin roof, sounded like a choir of angels!

my first born turned 32 today. yes, 32 years ago at the age of 17, I gave birth to a teeny tiny baby weighing 5lbs 14oz. A tiny little boy. mind you, I was a tiny little girl and just a baby myself. But I did well and my son has grown into a fine young man - a father of two himself.

it brings joy to my heart - to sit and look at my children - to see them mature into caring, decent people.

yesterday, Joe & I went out for lunch and I 'discovered' a true Alladins Cave ~ I spied a sign saying ' the Sacred Lotus' and not being able to control myself, I followed the path and around the corner was a little shop - but more on that next week....... just a glimpse of what I bought:



have no idea what these are called but they go along the top of a doorway - I loved it - so I bought one at my discovered Alladins cave ..... it was cheap, is not an antique but I adore it ! If I had ever visited Morocco or India, I am sure this would bring back memories of my trip

my style of decorating follows no rules ....if I like it, I use it.

the gratitude journal

oh gawd, what a week! full moon sent me bonkers. is it all in my head? but as low as I felt, I still had time to find gratitude for the blessings in my life. just last night my daughter Sophie was looking at me and said ' you know mum, you are really pretty' - I was taken aback. I had a little bit of makeup on, not much and my hair was up but I didn't feel pretty - I felt old and haggard. her remark made me cry.

I also am grateful for the emails that I received - some of them hit home for sure. one email said in part :- "it's all just like the school playground really, one week someone is flavour of the month, next week someone brings in a new toy and everyone is all over them like a rash, then a new girl arrives and everyone wants to be best friends and someone else gets neglected..." and another: "Perhaps you just need to cave for a while? Perhaps you're giving away too much energy right now and need to be inside just you and your life for a bit?Remember, the energy in women's lives waxes and wanes. Sometimes we can give, sometimes we need to retreat."
and so many more kind, thoughtful words. words that made me think. and I am grateful for each one. ....

so ...while reading today's entry in Simple Abundance - I realised that I don't know how to 'pray' or talk to whoever it is that we are supposed to talk to.....I was indoctrinated as a child with the 'on your knees, thanking & fearing God and asking him to bless everyone except yourself' and I have never progressed from there. I am not talking religion here (hate, hate that word and all that goes with it) I am talking spirituality. I was brought up with an awful, fearing God - oh we sang all the lovely songs at sunday school and I never understood why in the songs He was supposed to be bringing joy into my heart when inside my soul, I was quaking in my boots from fear, hell and damnation. and I am still waiting to rejoice after bringing in my sheaves whatever the hell they are.

I treat myself just like that - I judge myself and make myself fearful to a point of insanity, me thinks

oh yes, I go through the motions, contemplating, reflecting and all that but I never reach out to whatever it is out there that is bigger than me - Goddess, God, universe, * call it what you will. I try to handle stuff myself. I forget to ask for help, or more it is that I don't know how. And I never completely put my trust in whoever we are supposed to put our trust in
-hopefully with the help of simple abundance, I can learn to put my trust in whatever I am supposed to and find inner peace, because I so want to!

what a mouthful all that was!

destroying the 'past' ?

simple abundance suggests having an illustrated discovery journal. I started one last year & I still love looking through the pages. However tearing up much loved magazines to fill the journal is difficult. Not sure why. I have about 7 years worth of UK Country Living - all piled up on a bookshelf. Each one absolutely gorgeous. Gorgeous pictures and articles. I will be like that old lady who had wall to ceiling magazines - like some kind of weird insulation. Narrow hallways with books for walls. Maybe oneday it will draw people to Woodford. A maze of magazines. Where they sell teaspoons & tea-towels ... where people take you through a guided tour, telling of the history of the mad woman of Woodford (me).

I wonder why I can't bring myself to rip into them? I have been trying so hard to do it - sitting for hours, looking through each one to see if I must keep them. I have only been able to rip a few.

I guess it stems from childhood conditioning when my dad refused to let me rip up the set of encylopedias. Or any book for that matter.I needed some pictures for various projects but no, I wasn't allowed. I inherited those encylcopedias and I would not let my children destroy them either. They are now about 45 years old - and only just last year when I started playing collage did I allow myself to take some bits from them. What is the point in keeping them? Every piece of information is probably obsolete anyhow. Gee, man hadn't even landed on the moon!

Last week while ripping into the magazines that I had hoarded, I came across some gorgeous photos that I thought would look good for a background. I took some words as well and made this in my journal.

I seem to always use the same photo of myself, I guess because the look on my face says it all.

the gratitude journal

I love to garden. I lose myself in my garden sometimes - just thinking, contemplating, reflecting. I love how each plant rewards me in some way. Whether it be a gorgeous rose or the perfume of rose geranium leaves as I brush past. Or my apple tree giving me shade. I have had an abundant harvest this week - my tomatoes are giving me enough fruit for a meal and my lemon tree has some lemons colouring up at the moment. My zucchinis are out of control. The pumpkin vines are starting to flower too, promising pumpkins for winter soup. Oh and my chickens are giving me one dozen eggs a day ! can you believe that? gorgeous rich yellow yolks, freshly laid by my girls.

I had a bit of a hiccough in my life on Thursday. I received a very distressing phone call and I literally had a meltdown* It was a family matter, very distressing for me. usually I am the coper, the fixer of problems, but this time, I was pushed OVER THE EDGE ~ I lost it. After the meltdown, I remembered to bring myself back into the present moment, started to breath and worked through it.

* * *

sorting through stuff and keeping in the present moment is working well for me. accepting my life as it is right now, not wishing I lived in France or anywhere in the Northern Hemisphere for that matter. makes me settled. Oh! ~ the thoughts still creep in but I just keep bringing myself back. Enjoying where I am.

However, I still allow myself to dream! we must never forget to dream.

all this is from my simple abundance journal.

* * *

this week I started my 'spiritual inventory' - 100 blessings in my life. AND a daily dialogue ~ where we are supposed to write down our mind chatter into a journal. a separate journal to our gratitude journal. But I have decided to do all of my 'work' in the same journal. collage, gratitude, emotions - all of me is going into the one journal. And when that is full, I will start another. Otherwise, I will become ratty & scattered again * and I don't want that.

what do you think about my produce below?

enough tomatoes for a salad and lemons for a lemon tart. all organic, all grown by me ! these are the beginnings of true slow food.

the gratitude journal

this week, I really noticed the little things in my life. I took the time. It is like there has been a shift in my conciousness, in my soul. I feel more settled. Is it because I am taking time not to rush, because I am noticing the tiny things to be joyful about? the past week, Joe & I went for a walk nearly every afternoon. we drive to Katoomba, walk down the hill to Echo Point then back up again. A LONG walk. I took my camera along one afternoon, just incase and noticed these gorgeous old gates. I love them! They are years old, what stories they would tell. Did a suitor walk through that gate to ask his love's hand in marriage? Did a postie walk through this gate to deliver a telegram to a mother whose son was killed at war? the happy times & the sad times, all make us who we are. Past & present.

the gratitude journal

I have been trying for two years to complete Simple Abundance - but life gets in the way, I get lazy & give up. this year I want to succeed, this year I have promised myself that I will complete it and if I miss a day or two, I will not slap myself about the head and body, nor will I tar and feather myself. Today - the gratitude journal - wonderful! I can continue on my Sunday gratitudes here and then daily write them into my journal - it says to buy a new book for the gratitude journal but I think, I will just write them into my one and only journal or maybe I can find pictures that I am grateful for...I find it hard to put into words what I am grateful for - oh yes - the usual things - the husband, the children, health etc etc but most times I miss the little things in life, you see, I am busy rushing headlong into life that I don't slow down to smell the flowers or to smile at the old man on the street, so this will be a challenge.