today

ONCOLOGIST CHECKUP TODAY! so, I sit and play on the computer, wander around my home, fiddling & fidgeting, knowing there is washing to do and beds to make. and not caring at all. feeling sick in my stomach. I KNOW I don't have cancer but each yearly checkup, I go through this same thing....

lord, please make this day race by and get it over with for yet another year.

a post directly from the heart of a wednesday's child

today I am lacking in self confidence and I don't know why... I mean, I am the same person as I was yesterday... so why today am I feeling like this?

I am usually quite confident in who I am and how I decorate my home. But one thing I know about myself is I worry about what people think of me and how I am perceived... well sometimes. Most times, I go along my merry little way. It usually happens around certain types of people.... I have a few friends that are not really into the same things I do. I quilt with them and they are lovely, lovely girls. But they don't quite understand blogs or swapping or any of the collages that I am doing. And they sure as hell don't know about my spiritual search, my constant craving to know the meaning of life. I shudder to think what they would say if they knew about my 'soul searching journal', that I am trying to get going.

I am even different when I am around them and I hate it. I act normal. why? Why don't I have enough confidence to just be me?

One of them called me today and asked if I was coming to patchwork tomorrow and I told her that this term I was doing an art class... so she said she was calling in to drop something of..... now I am sick to the stomach with worry about what she will think when she sees my messy verandah (yes, my housekeeping has been taking a back seat to my art work lately) . Why am I worried about what she will think of all the bells & other hippy stuff hanging around... and my lotus blossom pond at the door. I just want to be true to myself and I don't know how. . . am I the only one like this?

a yearning. . .

before you read any further, I am warning you that this post is straight from my head. You see, I have been vacuuming, and thinking and this has been worrying me for awhile and I NEED TO GET IT OUT..... not sure if it will make any sense at all.

I have a thirst in my soul, a yearning in my heart. That needs to be filled and I don't know how. It is not something that being with people can fix or things can fill. I ache with a loneliness deep in my soul. Creating 'stuff' helps to relieve the pain, sometimes. I am not depressed at all... I feel quite joyful actually, quite bubbly inside but sometimes I could just about cry with frustration of this thirst. I need help. I need to be guided and shown where to go, what to do and I need help in remembering to ask for help & guidance when I need it... the angels tell me that often....
I have tried lots & lots of things.... different healing modalities and various religions.... but NOT ONE fills the hole... oh they do for a short while... but then there is that niggling that I mentioned and I start to thirst.
I need a spiritual mentor..... someone who I can bare my soul to and maybe they can help me along the way.
I want to journal for my soul, I want to write and read poetry, paint and draw for my soul.... I want to create an altered book that feeds my soul, speaks to my soul and helps my souls thirst..... so, if you are listening God, angels or whoever is in charge of it all.... can ya help?

full of woe n worry

don't you just love this - worry flower. I found it on this blog : worry flower. I tend to call myself a worry wart - but from this day forward I am a worry flower. love it!

"Polly. . . wished that her......sashes had bigger bows, and her little ruffles more lace on them. She sighed for a locket. . ."

~ Louisa May Alcott ~ an old-fashioned girl

today - I feel like Polly. I am sighing for a locket - not a real gold locket but a locket that holds the secrets to me being less of a worry flower, a happy soul instead of a sad sack.

I was one of those women who in her late 30's and into my 40's and heard whispers of menopause - but it seemed a long way off. I sat smugly, thinking to myself that I wasn't going to be one of those women who were affected by hot flushes and mood swings. oh no, not me! I was going to breeze through this thing we call menopause, (it sounded like secret women's business) until I was put into instant menopause, over night after radiation literally fried my poor old ovaries (I know I harp on my cancer but it was a big part of my life and I can no longer push the feelings down - cause it was crap to go through and to deal with - and I know I am 6 years past treatment, for that I am thankful, but I did not deal with the emotions of it all way back then. They are now rearing their ugly heads.) .... so here I am - flung into menopause in a big way and I don't want to be here. I just don't, it's not fair and I hate it . I hate how the emotions of menopause make me feel. I hate how I need to keep justifying why I am like I am and why I feel the need to blog about it. I hate how my blog is not a happy place to be sometimes. I hate how I feel guilty and complaining when I need to get it out here in my blog. I just hate it. but still I continue - hoping that one person may have the magic word that helps me.

and like boho girl says: "perhaps writing down my worries and then transforming those worries to something positive on paper.

sharing it all here is a start."