"There's such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I'm such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn't be half so interesting."

Saturday, March 24, 2007

official faery photographer

the above photo was taken on my walk in a village called Leura - 10mins drive from my home. . .

I have been appointed 'official' photographer for the faeries so that I can share - my little corner of the world, during autumn ~ so come with me over the next few weeks on a tour of my world in autumn.....

Friday, March 23, 2007

dancing with the pixies

the photo above was found on the net - I don't have any callistemons in my garden, but after this weekend, I will.... the faeries want me to plant one... if you look closely you will see the little seed pods where they live, where I saw them as a child. . . . .

And as a child, I can remember dancing with the pixies and laughing and clapping gleefully & having faeries as my confidantes. I would talk to the faeries who lived in the 'bottlebrush bush' outside my home - making little houses for them, giving them food and little gifts to make them happy. I knew without a doubt that they were real.
But as I grew up, I was always told to 'get my head out of the clouds' and to be 'sensible, there is no room for fluffing off with the faeries in this world' - so my 'sight' was closed down and I have a terrible time with it now - inside, deep down I know & believe faeries exist and I can feel the faery energy around me but part of me won't believe -the sensible, doubting part of me, the 'grown-up' part of me.... that is one of my turmoils every day of my life...

I have books and cards and I meditate but I just can't see them anymore - it breaks my heart :(
a little later today, I am going to do a little ritual at my faery altar - to invite them back into my life - I am going to ask them to open my 'sight' again.....

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

10.07 am - autumn equinox - believe in magick! (and the recipe)

sitting here having a cup of tea this morning ~ reading emails - getting ready to post this:
doesn't feel like autumn at all but by the calendar it is the autumn equinox..
the leaves are still green & it is really humid.. however - the currawongs are carolling outside and that always heralds autumn for me...
my wish for the world today is to go back to simpler times....

and the currowong sang at exactly 10.07am!!!!
ahh life is indeed magickal in my world
here is the promised link to the apple & cinnamon cake

autumn equinox cake

autumn equinox

while you girls in the northern hemisphere prepare for spring - I am getting ready for autumn - today is the autumn equinox, at 10.07 am today~ Mabon.
a time when the trees don their autumn ball gowns - gorgeous colours of russet, gold, copper and burgundy.
A day of meditation. A time to enjoy the fruits of our harvest.

a time for me, to shed old thought patterns. a time to release regrets and sorrows... a time to seek balance in my life. . .

yesterday I visited the cemetery, tidied the grave and burnt some incense.. i placed an apple and some rose hips.. I have no idea what people thought of me as I muttered about the graveside and you know, I am beyond caring. a good thing for me.
I have a lovely day planned today. a morning blessing, baking an apple cake, preparing Daisy's guinness & beef casserole for dinner, taking a food package to St Vinnies. I have scattered some grain outside for the birds and I will set my altar up later today. I am also going to spend some time in my sacred space, jotting down all those negative thought patterns that I have..these will be put into an envelope and placed in my soul journal...to be reflected upon and released over the next few weeks..

It gives my soul a certain satisfaction to do all these little rituals ~ the simplicity and the childlike 'playing' - makes me feel kind of in control... (yeah right)

when the sun sets - I am going to light candles in my home & garden... weave a wreath for my door, using some items that I found on my walk yesterday and say this spell of protection:

amidst the autumns darkest nights
our home be bound by brilliant light
a web of hope and joy and peace
be woven now, all dangers cease
by watchful eye
by lock & key
protect our home

to all my friends in the northern hemisphere - I wish you a magnificent spring equinox * think of me on the other side of the world as i prepare for our autumn
namaste xo
(oh and I will be posting the apple cake recipe in my book of shadows soon!)

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

a kind blog

.... while I had my little sabbatical, I wandered around Blog world ~ like I was on vacation on Internet Island, and came across this: ( & I truly hope that my blog is everything a kind blog is supposed to be).. ...

By posting this badge, I'm declaring that in addition to humour, intelligence, wit, sadness, snarkiness, passion, exuberance, peace, stillness, excitability, anger or any other emotion you may witness on my site:

1) I will never intentionally hurt other people, whether I know them or not, whether they blog or not, whether they're celebrities or not, either through my words or my images. It's just not my style; and

2) I hope that by the time you've clicked away from my site, I've helped in some way to make your day just a little bit better.

Signed, Me

Monday, March 19, 2007

19 years of wedded bliss

19 years with my soul mate - how lucky am I? the man who held my hand every day at the cancer clinic for 5 weeks, who fed me my dinner as I lay in the radiation room, the man who moves the furniture around and then moves it back again *because it doesn't look right*, the man who sits and reads the paper while I spend hours in the Sacred Lotus, the man who accepts whatever belief I have this week, the man who loves me for who I am, the man I call my best friend - yep, I am one lucky girl!

I found this poem by Rumi, last week while I was on vacation in Internet world....it describes Joe and I, perfectly. . .

A moment of happiness,
you and I sitting on the verandah,
apparently two, but one in soul, you and I.
We feel the flowing water of life here,
you and I, with the garden's beauty
and the birds singing.
The stars will be watching us,
and we will show them
what it is to be a thin crescent moon.
You and I unselfed, will be together,
indifferent to idle speculation, you and I.
The parrots of heaven will be cracking sugar
as we laugh together, you and I.
In one form upon this earth,
and in another form in a timeless sweet land.

a new moon, a new beginning

a new moon today - is there any better time to start anew? a time to let go of negative ways.....

I had to step back from blogging taking a little time away to think. over the past few months, blogging for me became a frenzied activity. I was hyperventilating, stressing and becoming sad - trying to visit blogs so that I wouldn't upset anyone.... and all the time, I was upsetting myself. I was not enjoying it at all....after much contemplation, I decided that I really do enjoy blogging - and I am going to try with all my might, to do it for me - no-one else.
of course I will still be blogging my thoughts and how I feel, but I think I will turn comments off for those posts as they are really just my thoughts that I need to get down...and what better place than here?

so with that said ~ today is a special day for me in many ways...it is my mum's birthday, my 19th wedding anniversary and today, 6 years ago I heard the words - 'Robyn, you have cancer'. I have decided that being a new moon I am starting anew with my attitude towards life. I was never a bitter person, ever, but just lately I have become more and more bitter towards what life has dealt me. And I am really not like that at all. Being human, I am sure I will stumble and fall but when I do, I am going to pick myself up, brush my knees off and get on with it. I will nurture myself of course. On those days that my 'cancer head' rears up, I will thank it for the experience and send it on its way. I must, otherwise I will end up a bitter old crone instead of the pixie-faery that I truly am.

Monday, March 12, 2007

a break

sorry guys, I am on an extended break from putting my thoughts down..... if you want to keep in contact - email me through my profile - its been fun xo

Sunday, March 11, 2007

gratitude for a little guy

I wasn't even going to be grateful for a thing this week - but I then realized that over the past few days, I have been getting comfort from this little guy:

my podling - the first podling that Daisy ever made - she sent to me, months and months ago - isn't he wonderful... he has healing properties - as only Daisy's podlings do - they are infused with healing energies and love. As i grieve and heal - I have been holding my lil' podling or carrying him with me wherever I go (he usually lives in a bowl of crystals) - and I truly believe he has helped me....so there ya go - I have my podling to be grateful for this week - thanks Daisy xo

I struggled with blogging again the past few days - wondering what the hell I blog for.... I still don't know. I know it helps me to sort stuff out in my head... but it also does my head in sometimes..... somewhere there is a balance.

I even created a new blog that I was going to move to - and keep it private. But then I thought to myself - hell, if people don't like what I post about, they don't have to read. This is me - warts & all - I don't have a fluffy pink life and I don't think I would want one....

reflections n 'stuff'

I sit and wonder what life is all about, often. I know that death is as much part of life as is birth.... it is just another stage of our souls journey but I wonder why we hurt so much when death occurs.... I have been faced with death twice in this life
and I have had many people close to me die but each time it happens - it is like a stab to my heart. I grieve and I hurt.

the past few days have been emotionally hard for me - not because any one really close to me died - .... but the deaths during the past week, brought back my hurts, they reminded me of the raw grief that I went through when I was widowed at 19.... and although I am now married to my soul mate - that grief is a scar on my soul.

same with cancer - yes, I am a survivor. But each time someone dies from cancer, I feel guilty. I feel guilty for surviving and nothing anyone can say will stop that occuring - it is a perfectly natural emotion. so i am told.

It is 6 years on the 19th of March since I heard the words -"Robyn, we have found cancer" - a day that will always be an anniversary for me - 6 yrs, 20 yrs or 40 yrs on. It will remind me that no-one is immune from cancer. Not one person.

I believe each experience in life does leave a scar - it heals but it is always there to remind us. at the moment, I don't feel like blogging much either - funny that... cause I am usually a chatter box - but the past week has made me re-think things. I wonder why. The things that have happened over the past week weren't even directly associated to me but they have opened up alot of pondering, I guess.

I went to the funeral on Friday & silly me forgot to 'protect' myself. I usually do a white light protection to prevent me taking on anyone elses emotions. This time, I forgot and consequently I 'absorbed' alot of grief that was not my own. So I have spent the last day, doing cleansings and grounding myself.
I don't even know where I am going blogging wise at the moment. I don' t have alot to say and I am tired, spiritually. I won't say that I am giving blogging away, cause I don't think I will, but like I said who knows where I am going . . . .

Saturday, March 10, 2007

the perfect send off. . .

yesterday I attended the funeral of a friend.
Only he would have had the Travelling Wilburies 'End of the Line' playing as he was carried in.....
Only he would have had John Lennon's 'Imagine' playing as we reflected on his life.....
a perfect ceremony for a wonderful soul....
this poem below is what he requested to be read out as we walked from the chapel
"to mourn too long for those we love is self - indulgent
but to honour their memory with a promise to live a little better for having known them, gives purpose to their life
and some reason for their death . ."

Thursday, March 8, 2007

I am spinning & struggling right now

I know I am going to be hit with an onslaught of positive thinking comments, but right now positive thinking is a long way off.... life sometimes sends curved balls and this time - it has sent me spinning and struggling... and what has happened in the past few days has made me physically sick.
the past few days seem to have had so much sad news, nothing to do directly with me but I feel so burdened with sadness... what the heck is life all about?
I know all the cliches about cancer... it isn't a death sentence - etc, etc etc.....but the bottom line is - cancer is the pits.. in a less than nice term - it sucks.
two days ago a friend died from cancer - I go to his funeral today. Yesterday a friend called me and told me her son in law had just received news that he has terminal cancer.. he is 20. Then to top that off I heard yesterday that another friends son in law had been killed in a motor cycle accident last week... he was just 21, his wife of 6mths is 20.
so right now - positive and happy thoughts are not living in my soul........ sadness is.

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

the "C" word

last night we received news that my sister in law has terminal cancer. stage 4. She has had cancer for a year now and having treatment but it seems it didn't do what it was supposed to do and the cancer has spread - she has maybe 20 mths to live. I know this is not about me but it has sent me into a total spin.
Being a cancer surivor - there is always a niggling fear in the back of my mind that my cancer will recur.... I know I AM cancer free today but when ever I hear of someones diagnosis, the fears and the memories rear their ugly heads - creating havoc with my mind and emotions. I re-live the days of my diagnosis, my treatments and I feel the fear. Very real, even 6 years later.
so what do I do for my sister in law? do I keep thinking positive while everyone else is resigned to the fact that she is going to die? Do I keep preaching up on my soap box about Petrea King & Lance Armstrong - telling her to stay positive and use affirmations? Because they do work - miracles do happen, I know that. Do I tell her that there are many other things she can do to fight this disease? I just don't know.
I am scared today

Monday, March 5, 2007

my holy grail

you will never guess what a friend dropped into me today... a copy of Cloth, Paper, Scissors which is as rare as hens teeth downh here. It is the first one I have ever seen and it it the Winter 2006 edition. Katie Kendrick features in it which was a pleasant surprise.. and at the back is an article which could have been written by me - 'cept it wasn't. It was written by a woman called Loretta Benedetto Marvel. I am sure you have all heard of her. I hadn't..... but my lord she wrote exactly what I have been doing and feeling these past few months in regards to my ART. she calls it ' in search of the Holy grail' and it is the perfect title for it....
It made me laugh out loud when she mentioned that she was like a woman on Crusade - taking art classes, piling up supplies and trying to discover that special technique that everyone knew about except her.... oh that is me for sure! Exept I have joined just about every altered art yahoo group there is... She talks about sprinkling her work with wings & crowns, polka dots and striped legs. How her washing up was piling up in the laundry, the dishes were waiting to be done and her home was a mess.... oh! I nodded as I read that! My poor family get dinner thrown at them as I rush of with a new idea, only to get to my table and freeze or worse, get something out on paper and hate it...

I know I have talent, I know I am creative but I just can't find my 'muse' - hell, I didn't even know what a muse was until 2 months ago.. I know I am quite creative in the fabric medium because I created this:

I can create if I have a theme or a project. But to create art just for the hell of it? no way can I get what is in my heart out onto paper.... it just doesn't come out. I read books, I do journals, I worry and fret. Life was so much easier before I discovered this mixed media thing... it really was.

damn mercury & the hippy swap

is Mercury still in retrograde? cause I am having one hell of a time trying to get emails ~ out and in..... some are going through but hotmail & yahoo seem to be having 'moments' - if anyone out there has sent me an email in the past week or so - and I haven't replied... it is not because I am ignoring you, it is because the email is probably floating out there in the ether, never to be seen again.....
so to the hippy girls - there is not much more I can do to get partners through - if you don't receive your partners details - I will put a little something in the mail in the next month.... sorry but it is out of my control......

Sunday, March 4, 2007

the gratitude journal

I am still struggling with writing in my journal everyday.... I make notes often on bits of paper around the house or I note to myself that I 'must' include that in my gratitude and promptly forget to do so - but this time I am thankful that I am not beating myself up too much when I don't 'do it right'...

I had my mum stay with us this weekend * we had fun. I took her to the Sacred Lotus and bought her some incense and we sat outside as I smudged my crystals in preparation for the full moon charging. My mum has diabetes and is losing her sight because of it - so she doesn't see alot of small things but I was absolutely delighted when she noticed a tiny black butterfly fluttering around us outside - she said that the same butterfly visits with her at her home - fluttering around and she is convinced it is a sign from my Nan.. mum hates having her photo taken so I snuck around and took this one without her knowing...

she is of direct Cornish descendants - her dad was born in Devon and her grandma in Cornwall...as much as she doesn't admit it - she is of the fae, I am sure.

last night we took her to Echo Point, Katoomba for dinner. Our kids & grandchildren, us & mum, all had fish & chips in view of The Three Sisters at dusk. amazing place we live in & I am blessed because of it..... a few photos that I took on one of our walks this past week. . . .

this home above caught my eye because the garden was full of faeries - truly! I could feel their energies all around me as I walked by..

two quaint little miners cottages above - I love them - so much character and history

and these steps, they had a real aura to them, a real mystery - I wonder who walked up them in the past and where do they go?

Saturday, March 3, 2007

love from across the sea

awhile back I katie posted about picking up rocks as she went for her walks... I do this too. I asked Katie if she would like to swap a rock and she did... I received mine a few days ago along with some yummy tea bags! thanks Katie - yours should be there really soon - I was a little slack sending it off... I just kept forgetting to pick it up as I rushed out the door. I love receiving bits like this ... a little bit of Katie now sits in my 'studio'

and then, yesterday a parcel all the way from Miss Potato Prints - the most gorgeous hand written book - a story about ME! and illustrated by Miss*PP herself - her work is just wonderful. It made me laugh with joy as I read it - thankyou so very much miss*PP! You are one of my lifes treasures - bless you xoxo

Friday, March 2, 2007

the journey of a soul ~ a challenge: a swap with a difference

it is time for me to get going on this journal that I have been thinking about and I need your help..... I have had some wonderful advice and comments over the past year - and I really treasure each of them and I am going to gather some and put them into my journal...

And I am asking any one, who would like to do a one on one swap with a difference.....I ask that you send to me, something that will help me create my journal - whether it be an ATC, a quiltie, a picture, a piece of art, a piece of fabric or paper, ephemera - anything that you think captures me & my soul....that I can place into my journal.... it can be no bigger than 5ins x 7 ins.

and what do you get in return? something from me - it maybe art, it maybe something I find on my walks or it maybe something I buy with you in mind.... but I promise it will be specially for you xo
I know it is not 'proper' to ask for things but you have been such a big part of my soul journey that I really want to include you in my journal.

you can email me through my profile if you want to journey with me .....

dot, dot * comma, comma

off to art class I went yesterday - idea in mind, canvas under arm, paints in box...... sat down and proceeded to 'gesso' my canvas *because that is what you must do* - then I sat and watched it dry..... and while I was doing that I showed the class my mixed media piece that I had done, explaining that it wasn't finished yet... my teacher just looked and said 'oh' - and it wasn't "OH!!!!" as in how wonderful - but 'oh' in a flat, dull, no tone voice... she didn't like it... it hadn't been sealed, it didn't have depth.... for heaven's sake - this will probably end up in a garage sale when I die - it isn't going to be hanging in the national art gallery, believe me.
and then she proceeded to tell me that she had art in a woman's exhibition and there was a piece done by an artist much like I was trying to achieve... so does that mean that I haven't achieved yet?
then I explained what I wanted to do with my canvas and she told me that I must sketch my idea on paper until I get it right... but I don't want it 'right' !!!
so I grabbed my oil pastels and sketched...

it is awful , nothing like I want to create as my mixed media *goddesses in my life* - nothing at all like it......but at least I was constructive and my inner child had fun creating...

please don't get me wrong, this teacher is a nice person and she is talented and I am grateful that she is trying hard to help me, she really is... but the class is too restrictive for me...the rest of the class are still doing dots and commas on cardboard!
I don't think I am going back....

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Thursday things

Full moon coming up equals my present emotional state, I realized that after my posting last night. So now I know that I am affected by both the full and the new moons - in the days preceding them I become melancholy & lack confidence ~ it is honestly like a real weight on my shoulders...something I can't shake..... I know there are some wise women out there who know alot about Miss Moon - any ideas on how to cope or rituals that I can do to help - thanks muchly xo

Thursday, this afternoon equal art class for me. Lord knows what the teacher will think when I roll up with a blank canvas and my latest idea - using Amedeo Clemente Modigliani mixed with Picasso as inspiration and Mary as my model...hopefully I will be able to get this idea out of the bubble inside and onto the canvas....