thanksgiving

"To you alone it is given to know the truth about the gods and deities of the sky... The innermost groves of far-off forests are your abodes. And it is you who say that the shades of the dead seek not the silent land of Erebus and the pale halls of Pluto; rather, you tell us that the same spirit has a body again elsewhere, and that death, if what you sing is true, is but the mid-point of long life." —Lucan Pharsalia c.60AD

this will be my last post on this blog - I light a candle for the other half of my soul as she returns to the earth that she so dearly loved. We are still the yin & yang - Daisy on one side of the veil, me on the other. Now, she anchors me in spirit - I continue my journey here as she continues hers in the summerland........

this is where i will be living as from tomorrow
TALES OF INGLEWOOD

the next instalment of my journey - where I hope to chatter about my daily life. please stop by and please comment every so often - it helps to know that someone is reading and that my chattering means something. . .I hope you will continue to visit me ! a new blog - a continuing journey

so ~ blessings & farewell, my dear DaisyLupin xoxo

heartsease

the ache in my heart is easing today..... I have been sleeping with a rose quartz crystal clasped to my heart - the crystal sent to me by Gemma.... the crystal of the heart....

Heartsease ~ the flowers were considered cordial and good in mending a broken heart, from which may have arisen its popular name of Heartsease as much as from belief in it as a love potion.

no, I haven't been dosing up on Heartsease cordial but have been using a special mix of bach flowers - made up for me by my herbalist.

I have been really nurturing myself, the past few days, I had a glorious massage yesterday, I bought myself a magic hat, just like Daisy's and I have been sitting in my big comfortable chair reading a favourtie book - "apple tree lean down" while I sip hot chocolate..... all wonderful things to do when the soul aches.

I spent a few hours reading through Daisy's blog - copying some of her words to keep.....and last night I slept from 11pm til 6.30am! That is indeed a good sign...yes, there is the light at the end of the tunnel, I can see it and feel it.

Let children walk with Nature, let them see the beautiful blendings and communions of death and life, their joyous inseparable unity, as taught in woods and meadows, plains and mountains and streams of our blessed star, and they will learn that death is stingless indeed, and as beautiful as life.
John Muir

I find myself ok during the day - I keep busy. But as soon as those winter shadows begin to fall - my heart starts to ache. I wander aimlessly around the house, watching UK tv shows so that I can feel close to her. I feel such a lonliness in my soul. Very odd as I am married to the most wonderful man - understanding and compassionate but even he cannot take this pain away. slowly, slowly I am beginning to be able to visit other blogs and comment... it is like putting my toe in the water to feel if it is cold or not..testing the waters.... if there is any sign of Daisy's name - I quickly click off the blog.

if I don't see it, it's not real.

like I said, please don't feel like you have to comment ~ it is doing my soul good to journal my grieving process

grieving, sifting and getting it out

I know oneday, I will wake up without the sense of loss, without this ache in my chest....

blogging my grieving process is good for me and comments help alot too

but don't feel like you have to comment while I go through the mourning process.

*daisy* and I emailed alot - sometimes 5 times a day and I have kept every single email she ever sent me... at the time I thought I was insane but I am so glad I did because somewhere in those emails is the answer to my grieving - you know, she even use to email me and ask me what I was having for lunch and I use to email her and ask her equally boring questions but it is in those mundane emails that our friendship grew to what it was.......

it is absolutely pouring here right now...has been for a few weeks. Our dam has gone from 39% capacity and is now near to 52% capacity. Mother Earth is indeed good!

strong women

today I made myself do some normal everyday things - I cleaned the bathrooms, stripped the sheets and threw the windows open. Even though it was absolutely freezing. I felt my home had become sad... it was holding my grief. After I cleaned, I lit lots n lots of little tea lights and some of the yuletide incense that Daisy sent me last week.

It is just this heartache in my chest that is hurting so bad.

I know I will 'survive' this grief. lord, I come from a long line of survivors, strong women :-

my paternal grandmother - Florence Emily Tester - had 7 boys, no daughters and spent her early married years in a one room home, with a dirt floor. later moving to a home with real stove ~ one that she had to light with wood!

my maternal grandmother - Jean Ingall Franks,who was blind and endured diabetes all her life, having a needle every day and who survived 4 strokes before succumbing to a 5th, leaving this earthly plane with not a grey hair on her head

then there is my dear Laura Curnow Tregilgas - my great grandmother on my Pa's side. Came to Australia with her children, to join her husband who had moved months before with the Navy - settling in for a few years and being left a widow in a strange country with all her children. She must have missed England so much, but she stayed here in Australia, for whatever reason.

I am from good Cornish stock, i have the blood running through my veins, so yes, I will be ok - but I miss *Daisy* so much - she was my link to Cornwall.

Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
William Butler Yeats, "The Stolen Child"

winter magick

yesterday, Joe took me to the Winter Magick festival - to get me out of myself. It was good. It was good to be among people, to be walking and looking. Living. I did have fun. Lots of gorgeous faery things and greenmen and oh, just magickal things. I found my self seeing something that I knew Daisy would love and thinking i could buy it for her, then had to catch myself - saddened to realize that she was here no longer on this earth plane.... there were little pixies dressed in green, dragonflies she would have loved to hang around her much loved cottage - there was even a little sprite named Daisy... I bought myself two gargoyles to sit on my steps to frighten those evil spirits away (that is the theory, anyhow). And as I walked around, I felt halfway normal. I talked to a man who is going to try to make me a hare for my garden and I looked for a gazing ball.

We then went for a walk and I felt myself grieving again. I remembered the time when I was telling her about how I felt when I walked in Katoomba, how it was an amazing feeling in my soul and her wise words:- that she believed it was a power spot for me...to walk there, when I felt the need for energy .. it may be time to take a long walk.

it was beginning to get cold by now, so we ducked into a little coffee shop for a lovely warm drink... and then off home. As we travelled back down the mountain - a car passed by and I glanced at the number plate :~

DAI - SEY

. . . a sign, perhaps? or should I say, another sign... there have been many this past week.

the solstice gift

last night, I opened my gift from Daisy. I sobbed and howled til I knew I had to take control of myself.

She had sent me a medieval garden book that she had promised me awhile back and tucked into a page titled "Mystic garden", was a note that said - "this sounds like our sort of garden, doesn't it?" - well , that set me off again. As did the string of blue butterflies & crystals that she sent to me to "hang above my bed" - there was a yule sabbat card, some yule incense and a package of glitter and fabric.

I am trying to be strong, but truly I can't - I can't stop thinking of her, I can't eat. I have chest pains..... I know eventually I will be at the end of this dark grief tunnel but right now, there ain't no light I can see........

winter solstice ~

Daisy was my confidante, my mentor and part of my soul family. I would often say to her, that I wish we lived near each other and she always said that the world could not cope with the two of us together, that we balanced each other by being on opposite sides of the world. The yin and the yang of the world. She knew me - she knew what I believed. She understood what I believed and she believed the same thing. we had the same dreams, the same waking times, we each had a twin record keeping crystal. We celebrated winter solstice and midsummer at the same time.... on opposite sides of the globe. We planted a tree in each of our gardens in honour of our friendship - me a rowan and she planted a eucalypt - her little bit of Australia, she called it. She didn't give up until she found my great grandmother for me..... she knew of my love for Cornwall. We were in the middle of creating for each other, an altered book of shadows ( I will share the one I was making for her, later on). the day she passed, there was a parcel on its way to her from me and one to me from her, I received mine a few days after she left........ She was teaching me her knowledge of the 'craft'. we were planning on meeting up in a year or two and maybe travelling to Cornwall together. Hilary and I have spent many incarnations together and I just found her in this one, and have lost her again. She was my soul connection to Cornwall.
tonight, I will be honouring her, in my sacred space, under my pine tree, where faeries live. I will have a farewell ceremony of my own - to say "canu'n iach" to my best friend....

today my heart aches. a painful spot right in the middle of my breastbone. a pain that goes much deeper than this life ~ this is the pain from a past life connection with her, the time of the Druids I believe.

I am taking the advice given to me before Daisy passed ~ physician heal thyself. I am fortunate enough to have my healing crystal collection, that I can choose most crystals that I can ever need. So I choose rhodonite - a pink crystal - a heart healer - it heals emotional shock and panic, lending a supportive energy to the soul in the process. Rhodonite clears away emotional wounds and scars from the past, whenever that may be. It can be used in past life healing. you place it over the heart for healing of the emotional wounds.... so this I did.

and as I did so - I placed my hands over it, took a very deep breath and said the words:

**I place my hands on my own dear heart

with the gentleness and with exquisite care;

the care I would afford a tiny frozen bird I found here on my doorstep.

here, with my gentle healing hands my touch brings warmth and life;

to right what once went wrong;

to heal what once was broken.

fear not my love

I will do all I can do for you

for sure, I am no angel but what I have to give, I give to you**

*author unknown*

with that, I went to sleep, sleeping nearly all night in that position - hands over heart with crystal doing its work......

Tuesday

today the grief comes in waves. I sob and sob. I email people constantly, hoping that someone will say a magic word to take this emptiness away. I still cannot believe that there will be no more words of wisdom, no more emails, no more support & advice from her. No more sabbat gift swaps. Yesterday, I received my yule package from Daisy, it sits here unopened. To look at it makes me physically sick and yet, I am wanting to hold it, knowing it was the last thing she sent to me. I want to smell it and absorb it... but it sits unopened. She emailed me and told me she had sent the package off - her words were "at least I managed to get your yule package off" - now its here. I tried to do something normal today, I drove to my little hippy shop but it was closed... so I just drove. Then I came home, emailed more people...hoping that the magick word would be said and then I had a sleep... then I woke with a start and decided to go to Katoomba. I thought if I bought myself something it would take the pain away.... so I am now the proud owner of a GreenMan rondel that I will hang in my home.... but I look at it and it means nothing now....oh my god, this ache is just dreadful.

Monday June 18th

right now my heart is absolutely breaking in two. I cannot stand the raw grief. I sit at this computer waiting for an email from someone, so I can pour my heart out, or for someone to come onto the yahoo chat, so I can at least talk to someone who understands. I cannot stand the going to sleep at night, hoping beyond all hope that when I wake in the morning, this will all be a dream. The knowing that there is never going to be another email from Hilary, that not another sabbat lesson is coming to me at each turn of the wheel of the year.

she use to tell me how to treat the faeries, .... now I am on my own. She gave me snippets of ideas on how to decorate my home with a magickal feel... Oh God, I loved her garden, I loved her home and I adored her. last night I cried and sobbed and wanted to go and just lie on the ground outside - but it was wet and freezing.. I wanted to find her star. I feel like screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ! I always wanted a bosom buddy, just like Ann - Hilary was my Diana Barry, god gave me what I had prayed for and now she has been taken away. It is not fair, not bloody fair.

selfish I may sound and I make no apologies - I haven't a thing to give to anyone right now - it is all for me.

like I said to a friend - I want someone to wave their magick wand and take the pain away

see you in my dreams

farewell my best friend, my sweet heart sister * you will be with me always.

I miss you already xoxo

oh god, my heart is breaking

what dreams are made of :~

last year, when I was busy being attuned to reiki and taking course after course on various healing modalities and being told by Doreen Virtue that I had a 'divine life purpose' - all I was doing really, was stressing myself out... I became a reiki 'master' in 3 easy lessons and virtually ran around thinking I was going to heal the world...... forgetting about me.

After the 'let down' with the Doreen Virtue Angel Intuitive course (yes, I am an AI) ... I continued on, searching for whatever it was that I was supposed to be 'doing' here ....... and oneday, I was outside, thinking to myself,and asking again, what the damn hell my divine life purpose was and if I really had one. . . and I heard clearly - "this life you are here to be healed, not to be the healer" - it really was like a bolt of lightning, very plainly stated - by angels, I believe..... so the end of 2006 came and 2007 rolled in ......

the other night - I was 'asleep' and I saw myself in a green forest surrounded with faeries - I was a healer. I was a woman and I had bags hanging off my rope belt. It seemed that I was hidden in the forest by the faery folk - I was human and people from nearby villages would come to me for potions and wisdom & healing.

Waking up - I thought to myself - just what the hell is my life purpose this time? I heard a voice, distinctly saying - "physician heal thy self" - and now I know, that this life IS a healing one for ME- I have all the healing tools or knowledge inside and they will be revealed as I need them. No one else can heal me, I don't have to give my power away to anyone - I have all the answers for me.

All my life, I have pondered herbs, weeds, rocks & stones... mixing up potions in a bowl when I was a child... wrapping the potions around my teddy's leg.. I had altars & I had beads and I got immense pleasure from doing 'voodoo' dances, much to my mothers horror, she thought I was on the road straight to hell (of course, she thought this only because of society's conditioning) ....... it is like I have all this knowledge inside from previous incarnations - and now, I am beginning to think that maybe this 'life' that I saw was somewhere in Wales or maybe even Cornwall ....definately somewhere in a Celtic land

this new moon

“By their Tre, their Pol, and Pen,
Ye shall know the Cornish men.”

I just cannot believe how things happen in life ~ last night I was sitting here, searching desperately for my roots when I decided to click on a link that had been sent to me ages ago ... and decided to search for Francis Tregilgas.... and there he was - full family tree, completed back to 1480.
descendants of John Tregilgas

they come from areas such as St. Ewe & Kea, Veryan & Mevagissey, St. Enoder and of course, St Columb Major - most of the early family seem to have been tinners.... whatever that is.

I haven't varified any of this yet - but it sure looks like my tree. A lady in the UK has been re-searching the Tregilgas name for many, many years - these are the results of her findings... it seems to me that she is the daughter of Laura's sister Louisa.. so we have a common link with Francis and Elizabeth.... when I found this late last night, I was beside myself with excitement - and it has made me feel even more settled. so I am a true cornish girl - through and through.

*sigh*

changing track. . .

yesterday I had afternoon tea with a friend who wants to organize a croning circle for me on December 1st.. one month before I made my way into this lifetime (I told you the croning was taking of like Topsy!). The cafe was called Mountain Magick and I had Apple and Rhubarb crumble - yum !

Then I went to the Post Office in Woodford - to get an idea of how much it will cost to send a charm pack for this ceremony.... hmm. the quote was quite alot so I am going to revise how I will organize it...... which is good news for those who missed out in the 'quota' -

if you want to be part of this 'coming of age' of mine then this is what YOU will have to do before December 1st:

post me some words of wisdom - they can be a poem, words of wisdom that mean something special or even your own thoughts....

plus a crystal or stone that is indigenous to your part of the world (it can be a bought crystal or one you find on a walk.. or even a shell if you live near the beach)... (the reason I am asking this is, that I want a little bit of each friends' world on the altar at my celebratory circle. there will be a few other things that I may request but I will keep the request small so that you won't need to get a loan for the postage. I will also need your birth date.

MY part of the bargain is to send YOU a package on your birthday next year. That way, I can make each little package specially for each person with a crystal that I believe will be the one for them...

so after all that, if you are still interested let me know. I will be putting a list in the sidebar of my croning blog of participants and there will be a cut off point for joining.. not sure when that will be (note - only open to those of you who I know!)

keep reading my croning blog ... there will be lots of little rituals for you to do and other stuff that I am discovering on this little sidetrack journey of mine

the Croning of miss*R

desperately seeking.

I am an aussie girl with Cornish blood rushing through my veins, yes!

still not satisfied that I have at last proved I am from good Cornish stock. oh no! I need to find more and it is proving difficult. Because I just don't know which way to go from here - each time I find a website - I have to pay. Which of course I don't mind doing, if I am going to discover someone who belongs in my tree. pay 5 pounds here or buy vouchers there..or join for 299 pounds a year... but which one to choose? Or I can pay researchers to do it for me for 25 pounds an hour !

this is what I know so far:

Laura Tregilgas was born 1872 in East Stonehouse, Devon UK

to parents:

Francis Tregilgas - born 1833 in St Columb, Cornwall, UK (parents - William & Catherine *I think*)

and

Elizabeth Curnow - born 1835, Perran, Cornwall, UK (father - John *I think)

*Francis and Elizabeth were married in 1858 and lived in Bodmin Cornwall from 1861 until they moved to Devon sometime before 1881.

as far as I can make out - Francis and Elizabeth had 8 children - one of whom was my great grandma, Laura.

of course, these names aren't unusual, making it harder to trace.... I desperately want to find a little more - I don't want to hug some far distant cousin nor do I want to make a claim on the family fortune ( I don't think there is one) - however, I would love to know where my wiccan roots come from and I am planning on visiting Cornwall, either next year or the year after and I want to walk the places that my ancestors did and maybe find out just why my soul yearns so much.

my coming to the goddess age

oh lord, this Croning ceremony, has taken off like a runaway train! I decided to open another blog dedicated to my croning and wanted online friends to participate... however - I will have to limit the numbers (to 13) that are actually a part of receiving the gift from me on my birthday (january 1) due to the high postage costs.... unfortunately the quota has been reached but you can read all about the process here:
coming into the goddess age

and as we go along, I would love if you would like to participate in any way you wish to!

blessed B xo

winter solstice gift goes to. . .

Blue !!!

yes Gillian from Blue's tranquility base will receive a yule-tide gift from down here where the winter solstice is coming up!

It will be sent off tomorrow ~ blessed B xo

winter solstice gift-away

* ~ * above is a winter solstice collage that will be included in the gift * ~ *

don't forget to sign up here for the winter solstice gift-away! I draw the name on Monday (my time) - blessed B xoxo

coming up for us soon is the winter solstice - yule-tide. Being winter, I am in the mood for creating some fabric craft for Christmas - what better time than when the weather is cold, a hint of snow every now and then - the perfect season for it! It is just at the wrong time of year. However - it is yule-tide in Australia and there is not a thing I can do about it.

we don't do gifts at this time of year so to make it kind of 'real' - I thought a little gift-away would help me get into the yule-tide spirit.

all you have to do is comment on this post and your name will go in the drawing. I will close it on 11th June so that gives me plenty of time to get the gift to the winner by Winter Solstice - June 22....

blessed be!

the Croning

it is just under six months til I reach 50 years of age! as most of my readers know, I have struggled for a year or two with all manner of emotions. In 2001, I was put into instant menopause at age 43 - radiation killing my ovaries. So for the past few years I have been taking HRT, sporadically. When I forget to take it - I am a raving and ranting lunatic - falling prey to a melancholy that is just awful - couple that with being severely influenced by the moon - well, I am sure you all know...
quite a few of you have supported me through my ups and downs - giving sage advice when I ask - emails that sometimes touch me to the very core....

* a friend emailed me a few months back - talking about my age, approaching normal menopause. She likes to think of it as the "goddess" age instead of the crone.

in her words:

""Most people call it the "Crone stage" ~ I call it the Goddess stage, because when you think about it, you can only become a Goddess when you have enough life experience. Goddess is so much nicer than crone, more stately and commanding. We must always remember we are remarkable, experienced, commanding women, that have battled through life and should now be due some serenity

WELCOME TO THE CLUB I have never talked about it because the other person has to achieve it themselves, it happens in its own time and won' t be hurried.
From now on you can learn everything again from you Goddess perspective. Just relax and enjoy.""

so coming up to 50, I am going to plan a Croning Ceremony. I have been reading about it in a book I have - Sacred Ceremony by Steven Farmer ~ not sure how I will do it but I am planning on having a little online ceremony here on my blog, somehow - I hope you will all come and celebrate with me!

the beginning of winter in my garden

time to prune. in times gone by, our property was an orchard and I have a few of the original trees, still growing in my yard ~ one being a pear tree. This poor old gal has had a hard life. Last week - I cleared around the ground underneath, planted some comfrey around the drip line and mulched her. But she needed a haircut - a pruning. So Tuesday, just gone - Marion, a friend of mine came up and helped me to prune my old pear tree. She is all tidy now and when fruiting time comes, I will be able to net her, to stop those white cockatoos from destroying every last pear.

and ~ damn possums !!! yes, Daisy, I do curse. especially when possums chew my plants.
I had seeded an area with lupins - to creat a green manure in readiness for my potato crop.. and as each tiny seed burst its little head out of the soil - the damn native possums nipped the little heads right off - leaving a patch of green stalks!
some might say that possums are cute but me thinks not - I keep thinking possum pie - just like Granny Clampett.

I also pruned my ornamental grape vine - it was out of control. Now it is just a stick and hopefully next spring, when it starts to shoot - I will be able to train it alot better than I have in the past - I just have to remember to do it each day, otherwise it grows overnight, much like a triffid !
being a witch and it being Yule-tide for me - I wanted to make a wreath for my door - we don't have the greenery that is available in the Northern Hemisphere - I wish I had access to Holly & Mistletoe - but unless I go raiding the neighbours gardens, it does not grow wild here - so I substitute. I used the prunings from my grape vine:

above are my prunings and below - the first stage

then I cut some small rosehips to weave into the wreath - I am going to add berries, cinnamon sticks, stars, garland and bells & hang a little talisman bag from it - full of the Yuletide crystals - Bloodstone, garnet, jet, obsidian, onyx, peridot,
quartz, sapphire, serpentine. I will probably do a little sacred ceremony on June 22 with some frankincense incense to bless the wreath and ask the faeries to protect my home during the coming year.

there is something about the photo below that I liked - I don't know what it is - maybe the shadows, the dark & light....

honesty needed - beware a *soul journey* post

I woke this morning - early, around 4.30 am (as I do at the moons waning) and I couldn't go back to sleep. So, I grabbed my knee rug and went out to my little sitting room - where my fire was still burning and where my big snuggly chair lives. And as I do at this time of morning I got to thinking - and fretting of course - so I decided to post what has been bothering me

I need some honest opinions, constructive critiscm - not character assasination though xo ~ those who can access my blog are my friends so I feel that your opinions may help me do some more soul work. I am not asking so that I can get kudos or praise - I just need to work through this for my own sanity.

here ya go :

what is it about me that some people don't like ? I honestly, from the bottom of my heart ~ try to be nice to everyone - I don't feel that I come across short to people and most always I am very aware of what I write in my emails. However - just this past week something happened with a blogger who I thought was a friend - and for the life of me I cannot work out what - not going into details (and it was not ANY ONE who has access to this blog) but it has happened often over the years with various people and now I am begginning to think it may be me.

so ~ please if you have any thoughts on this, I would be very grateful. some may hurt but I can deal with that (I think) -

I know not everyone is going to like everyone else - the world is not like that, I know but I just wonder why people like me oneday and the next I am receiving 'narky' & sarcastic emails.

I know I am not a saint at all - god forbid! I do get angry sometimes and can be a down right - awful person but most times I think I am fairly easy going.

so what is it ???

Peter n me

one of my best friends is Peter. I have known him for over 17 years. He is 74. Last night we went to black and white dinner dance to raise money for one of his charities. Just a country dance, nothing fancy but had alot of fun. Peter is a stickler for doing everything right and is known for his amazing dinner parties - often cooking 3 courses for over 20 or so of his friends. We celebrate New Year with him every year. He is a florist & a chef by trade - having travelled to London when he was young and at one stage did floristry work for the Palace.

both photos were taken by Joe - who is not a professional photographer as you can see, but I love the one above - it captures both of us so well.

class distinction

just lately, I have been having discussions with a very good friend about class distinction in society. Living down here in Australia, we don't have 'classes' as such. Oh we have the hoity toity society set, who get their names in all the papers and we do have our intellectuals who always think they are above everyone. I don't quite understand class distinction or snobbery - I can remember learning about it in high school and the Feudal system... but that was history. as a child it didn't really exist for me. I guess there were girls who thought they were above the rest of us - but I accepted that and moved on.

being of 'good cornish stock' I guess I am of the working class ~ I certainly wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.... but just what is it that makes these upper class snobs think that they are any better than me ? ? ? funny thing is - I have come across it on blogging - yes, shock & horror.. snobbery is alive and well.

The divisions among classes in the 18th Century varied by the person describing the classes. An interesting description is that by Daniel Defoe (Quoted from Porter, English Society, pp. 67-8).

1. The great, who live profusely

2. The rich, who live plentifully

3. The middle sort, who live well

4. The working trades, who labour hard, but feel no want

5. The country people, farmers, etc. who fare indifferently

6. The poor, who fare hard

7. The miserable, that really pinch and suffer want

today

ONCOLOGIST CHECKUP TODAY! so, I sit and play on the computer, wander around my home, fiddling & fidgeting, knowing there is washing to do and beds to make. and not caring at all. feeling sick in my stomach. I KNOW I don't have cancer but each yearly checkup, I go through this same thing....

lord, please make this day race by and get it over with for yet another year.