honesty needed - beware a *soul journey* post

I woke this morning - early, around 4.30 am (as I do at the moons waning) and I couldn't go back to sleep. So, I grabbed my knee rug and went out to my little sitting room - where my fire was still burning and where my big snuggly chair lives. And as I do at this time of morning I got to thinking - and fretting of course - so I decided to post what has been bothering me

I need some honest opinions, constructive critiscm - not character assasination though xo ~ those who can access my blog are my friends so I feel that your opinions may help me do some more soul work. I am not asking so that I can get kudos or praise - I just need to work through this for my own sanity.

here ya go :

what is it about me that some people don't like ? I honestly, from the bottom of my heart ~ try to be nice to everyone - I don't feel that I come across short to people and most always I am very aware of what I write in my emails. However - just this past week something happened with a blogger who I thought was a friend - and for the life of me I cannot work out what - not going into details (and it was not ANY ONE who has access to this blog) but it has happened often over the years with various people and now I am begginning to think it may be me.

so ~ please if you have any thoughts on this, I would be very grateful. some may hurt but I can deal with that (I think) -

I know not everyone is going to like everyone else - the world is not like that, I know but I just wonder why people like me oneday and the next I am receiving 'narky' & sarcastic emails.

I know I am not a saint at all - god forbid! I do get angry sometimes and can be a down right - awful person but most times I think I am fairly easy going.

so what is it ???

class distinction

just lately, I have been having discussions with a very good friend about class distinction in society. Living down here in Australia, we don't have 'classes' as such. Oh we have the hoity toity society set, who get their names in all the papers and we do have our intellectuals who always think they are above everyone. I don't quite understand class distinction or snobbery - I can remember learning about it in high school and the Feudal system... but that was history. as a child it didn't really exist for me. I guess there were girls who thought they were above the rest of us - but I accepted that and moved on.

being of 'good cornish stock' I guess I am of the working class ~ I certainly wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.... but just what is it that makes these upper class snobs think that they are any better than me ? ? ? funny thing is - I have come across it on blogging - yes, shock & horror.. snobbery is alive and well.

The divisions among classes in the 18th Century varied by the person describing the classes. An interesting description is that by Daniel Defoe (Quoted from Porter, English Society, pp. 67-8).

1. The great, who live profusely

2. The rich, who live plentifully

3. The middle sort, who live well

4. The working trades, who labour hard, but feel no want

5. The country people, farmers, etc. who fare indifferently

6. The poor, who fare hard

7. The miserable, that really pinch and suffer want

where do I go from here?

I wonder. the dark moon coming up has made me go inside myself more than usual. I am withdrawing and it worries me. I am NOT depressed. I wonder where I go from here with my blogging. I wonder where I go with my 'spiritual journey'. It is like I am at that point again of which road to take.

I feel so much more settled since finding my Cornish roots - I feel a true connection but since starting the Earth as healer course with Starhawk, I have become more questioning of my life. It worries me that most of my friends are on-line. I don't have friends in the real world that I talk to like I 'talk' to those friends online. I have Joe, my partner who is my best friend and I am very, very fortunate in that. But it worries me that I am putting all my eggs in one basket so to speak. I do not mind my own company at all, at least I know what I am talking about. I love to be by myself in the garden, knowing my ancestors are there with me - but they are not 'there' to hug me or to reply to my questions.

my blogging has changed so many times and I feel in my soul that right now, I am standing at a crossroads with it - which way to take? I do not want to get caught up in it all again like I have done. I do not want to get caught up in the frenzy of swaps or give-aways. I made my blog private -invitation only because I had many people reading and never commenting, it is NOT the comments that concern me. It is more - why do they read and not comment, ever? Would they come and sit in my home, watching my daily life and not talk? it kind of freaked me out a little.

I have a wonderful life here in my little corner of the world - a place that I want to share with those who I care about and can call a good friend. I want to read about how your days are, see your area where you live and read about how you are feeling.

I want to show you what it is like to live on the other side of the world (for some anyhow) ... so bear/bare? (never know which one) with me for a while til I sort it all out.

live Earth - cooling our planet or boosting their egos?

I am a little confused lately about the state of our planet - or more specifically the motives of these 'famous people' who are jumping on the bandwagon so that they can help us all to do our best to cool our planet. People like Madonna, the Red Hot Chilli Peppers and Sting and many Australian 'famous people' - plus other big ego people ( I bet Bono jumps on this wagon too!) are all staging a world wide concert to encourage us all to plant a tree or build a compost heap or ride a pushbike to work. The brain child of Al Gore. I believe a very good idea in theory. But really who are they doing it for ? My household, according to studies generates approx. 9 tonnes of carbon per year. Research has also shown that the Wembley concert alone will produce approx 3000 tonnes of carbon. HUH ???? - would it not be better for each 'famous person' to plant trees, acres of them?
then there are the statistics of various concerts and their carbon production... we can talk about the carbon gases produced by these 'famous people' when they fly their jets to buy a milkshake in some exotic location. or how Al Gore's home consumed 20 times more energy than the average US home... does Al Gore or Madonna have a compost heap? Do they turn their lights of every Wednesday night for an hour? I think not.

a wonderful idea in theory but you really have to 'walk the walk' not just 'talk the talk'

Ann - without an 'E'

On the easter weekend, a tradition of mine is to sit and watch Anne of Green Gables, sipping hot chocolate, snuggled under a blanket, enjoying the first really cold day of autumn. This year I wasn't disappointed.

"Marilla, isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?"

"Don't you ever imagine things differently than what they are? Oh, Marilla, how much you miss."

~Anne~


yes, my middle name is Ann - 'without an E' just like Ann from Green Gables. I grew up with the Ann stories - my mum would read me the books when I was a girl and I progressed to reading them myself & I still do....

I relate to Ann in many ways - she is a true kindred spirit...... she craves things just like I do & she is passionate in her ways, just like I am. She wants a bosom buddy, just like I want.

Which goes to show me, that I am fairly normal. If you think of me as Ann*E*, it kind of explains things...


"I've always dreamed of having a "bosom" friend...a true kindred spirit"

"Go away, Marilla, I'm in the depths of despair"

~Anne~

and this:

"It's not what the world holds for you.....but what you bring to it."

Easter ? saturday - confused thoughts from my journal

lord, I am confused or at least my soul is.....

just having celebrated Mabon - we are now celebrating easter. to me, it feels ridiculous to be celebrating oestra/easter in autumn

- with baby chickens, eggs, and bunnies that are really springtime things. But that is the way it is and I find if I can blend all of this, without fighting it, I become more settled. Easter is a christian celebration and I guess being bought up a christian, I can still embrace it with my pagan touch. . .same as I have to for Christmas in summer.

If it were just me - I would just go on normally but I have grandchildren and I must have easter eggs for them

. . . so down here in Australia this little witch's wheel of the year is slightly different - Mabon, easter, Samhain......

I struggle with who I am and where I belong.... lately I have been feeling very strong connections to earth, as if I am part of it. Part of this wonderful, vast land, we call Australia.

On my maternal nana's side I am a 4th generation australian but on my Pa's side, I am only 2nd generation - and that is where I feel my soul connection to Cornwall... it is still a part of me, still in my genes...I guess handed down from my great Nan - Laura Tregilgas...so I plod along, this easter Saturday, dazed and confused..going about my daily life.....today we are going to the organic supermarket. I am gradually switching over to totally organic - a hard thing to do but well worth the effort. I need to buy some organic pecans & chocolate - I am making a chocolate pecan crumble cake for tomorrow. Then when we come home, I hope to spend some time in my garden...

(you should be able to print the colouring pages out, so that you can play & colour over easter)

gratitude for a little guy

I wasn't even going to be grateful for a thing this week - but I then realized that over the past few days, I have been getting comfort from this little guy:

my podling - the first podling that Daisy ever made - she sent to me, months and months ago - isn't he wonderful... he has healing properties - as only Daisy's podlings do - they are infused with healing energies and love. As i grieve and heal - I have been holding my lil' podling or carrying him with me wherever I go (he usually lives in a bowl of crystals) - and I truly believe he has helped me....so there ya go - I have my podling to be grateful for this week - thanks Daisy xo

I struggled with blogging again the past few days - wondering what the hell I blog for.... I still don't know. I know it helps me to sort stuff out in my head... but it also does my head in sometimes..... somewhere there is a balance.

I even created a new blog that I was going to move to - and keep it private. But then I thought to myself - hell, if people don't like what I post about, they don't have to read. This is me - warts & all - I don't have a fluffy pink life and I don't think I would want one....

reflections n 'stuff'

I sit and wonder what life is all about, often. I know that death is as much part of life as is birth.... it is just another stage of our souls journey but I wonder why we hurt so much when death occurs.... I have been faced with death twice in this life

and I have had many people close to me die but each time it happens - it is like a stab to my heart. I grieve and I hurt.

the past few days have been emotionally hard for me - not because any one really close to me died - .... but the deaths during the past week, brought back my hurts, they reminded me of the raw grief that I went through when I was widowed at 19.... and although I am now married to my soul mate - that grief is a scar on my soul.

same with cancer - yes, I am a survivor. But each time someone dies from cancer, I feel guilty. I feel guilty for surviving and nothing anyone can say will stop that occuring - it is a perfectly natural emotion. so i am told.

It is 6 years on the 19th of March since I heard the words -"Robyn, we have found cancer" - a day that will always be an anniversary for me - 6 yrs, 20 yrs or 40 yrs on. It will remind me that no-one is immune from cancer. Not one person.

I believe each experience in life does leave a scar - it heals but it is always there to remind us. at the moment, I don't feel like blogging much either - funny that... cause I am usually a chatter box - but the past week has made me re-think things. I wonder why. The things that have happened over the past week weren't even directly associated to me but they have opened up alot of pondering, I guess.

I went to the funeral on Friday & silly me forgot to 'protect' myself. I usually do a white light protection to prevent me taking on anyone elses emotions. This time, I forgot and consequently I 'absorbed' alot of grief that was not my own. So I have spent the last day, doing cleansings and grounding myself.

I don't even know where I am going blogging wise at the moment. I don' t have alot to say and I am tired, spiritually. I won't say that I am giving blogging away, cause I don't think I will, but like I said who knows where I am going . . . .