"There's such a lot of different Annes in me. I sometimes think that is why I'm such a troublesome person. If I was just the one Anne it would be ever so much more comfortable, but then it wouldn't be half so interesting."

Monday, June 18, 2007

Monday June 18th

right now my heart is absolutely breaking in two. I cannot stand the raw grief. I sit at this computer waiting for an email from someone, so I can pour my heart out, or for someone to come onto the yahoo chat, so I can at least talk to someone who understands. I cannot stand the going to sleep at night, hoping beyond all hope that when I wake in the morning, this will all be a dream. The knowing that there is never going to be another email from Hilary, that not another sabbat lesson is coming to me at each turn of the wheel of the year.

she use to tell me how to treat the faeries, .... now I am on my own. She gave me snippets of ideas on how to decorate my home with a magickal feel... Oh God, I loved her garden, I loved her home and I adored her. last night I cried and sobbed and wanted to go and just lie on the ground outside - but it was wet and freezing.. I wanted to find her star. I feel like screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ! I always wanted a bosom buddy, just like Ann - Hilary was my Diana Barry, god gave me what I had prayed for and now she has been taken away. It is not fair, not bloody fair.

selfish I may sound and I make no apologies - I haven't a thing to give to anyone right now - it is all for me.

like I said to a friend - I want someone to wave their magick wand and take the pain away

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