thanksgiving

"To you alone it is given to know the truth about the gods and deities of the sky... The innermost groves of far-off forests are your abodes. And it is you who say that the shades of the dead seek not the silent land of Erebus and the pale halls of Pluto; rather, you tell us that the same spirit has a body again elsewhere, and that death, if what you sing is true, is but the mid-point of long life." —Lucan Pharsalia c.60AD

this will be my last post on this blog - I light a candle for the other half of my soul as she returns to the earth that she so dearly loved. We are still the yin & yang - Daisy on one side of the veil, me on the other. Now, she anchors me in spirit - I continue my journey here as she continues hers in the summerland........

this is where i will be living as from tomorrow
TALES OF INGLEWOOD

the next instalment of my journey - where I hope to chatter about my daily life. please stop by and please comment every so often - it helps to know that someone is reading and that my chattering means something. . .I hope you will continue to visit me ! a new blog - a continuing journey

so ~ blessings & farewell, my dear DaisyLupin xoxo

heartsease

the ache in my heart is easing today..... I have been sleeping with a rose quartz crystal clasped to my heart - the crystal sent to me by Gemma.... the crystal of the heart....

Heartsease ~ the flowers were considered cordial and good in mending a broken heart, from which may have arisen its popular name of Heartsease as much as from belief in it as a love potion.

no, I haven't been dosing up on Heartsease cordial but have been using a special mix of bach flowers - made up for me by my herbalist.

I have been really nurturing myself, the past few days, I had a glorious massage yesterday, I bought myself a magic hat, just like Daisy's and I have been sitting in my big comfortable chair reading a favourtie book - "apple tree lean down" while I sip hot chocolate..... all wonderful things to do when the soul aches.

I spent a few hours reading through Daisy's blog - copying some of her words to keep.....and last night I slept from 11pm til 6.30am! That is indeed a good sign...yes, there is the light at the end of the tunnel, I can see it and feel it.

Let children walk with Nature, let them see the beautiful blendings and communions of death and life, their joyous inseparable unity, as taught in woods and meadows, plains and mountains and streams of our blessed star, and they will learn that death is stingless indeed, and as beautiful as life.
John Muir

I find myself ok during the day - I keep busy. But as soon as those winter shadows begin to fall - my heart starts to ache. I wander aimlessly around the house, watching UK tv shows so that I can feel close to her. I feel such a lonliness in my soul. Very odd as I am married to the most wonderful man - understanding and compassionate but even he cannot take this pain away. slowly, slowly I am beginning to be able to visit other blogs and comment... it is like putting my toe in the water to feel if it is cold or not..testing the waters.... if there is any sign of Daisy's name - I quickly click off the blog.

if I don't see it, it's not real.

like I said, please don't feel like you have to comment ~ it is doing my soul good to journal my grieving process

grieving, sifting and getting it out

I know oneday, I will wake up without the sense of loss, without this ache in my chest....

blogging my grieving process is good for me and comments help alot too

but don't feel like you have to comment while I go through the mourning process.

*daisy* and I emailed alot - sometimes 5 times a day and I have kept every single email she ever sent me... at the time I thought I was insane but I am so glad I did because somewhere in those emails is the answer to my grieving - you know, she even use to email me and ask me what I was having for lunch and I use to email her and ask her equally boring questions but it is in those mundane emails that our friendship grew to what it was.......

it is absolutely pouring here right now...has been for a few weeks. Our dam has gone from 39% capacity and is now near to 52% capacity. Mother Earth is indeed good!

strong women

today I made myself do some normal everyday things - I cleaned the bathrooms, stripped the sheets and threw the windows open. Even though it was absolutely freezing. I felt my home had become sad... it was holding my grief. After I cleaned, I lit lots n lots of little tea lights and some of the yuletide incense that Daisy sent me last week.

It is just this heartache in my chest that is hurting so bad.

I know I will 'survive' this grief. lord, I come from a long line of survivors, strong women :-

my paternal grandmother - Florence Emily Tester - had 7 boys, no daughters and spent her early married years in a one room home, with a dirt floor. later moving to a home with real stove ~ one that she had to light with wood!

my maternal grandmother - Jean Ingall Franks,who was blind and endured diabetes all her life, having a needle every day and who survived 4 strokes before succumbing to a 5th, leaving this earthly plane with not a grey hair on her head

then there is my dear Laura Curnow Tregilgas - my great grandmother on my Pa's side. Came to Australia with her children, to join her husband who had moved months before with the Navy - settling in for a few years and being left a widow in a strange country with all her children. She must have missed England so much, but she stayed here in Australia, for whatever reason.

I am from good Cornish stock, i have the blood running through my veins, so yes, I will be ok - but I miss *Daisy* so much - she was my link to Cornwall.

Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.
William Butler Yeats, "The Stolen Child"

winter magick

yesterday, Joe took me to the Winter Magick festival - to get me out of myself. It was good. It was good to be among people, to be walking and looking. Living. I did have fun. Lots of gorgeous faery things and greenmen and oh, just magickal things. I found my self seeing something that I knew Daisy would love and thinking i could buy it for her, then had to catch myself - saddened to realize that she was here no longer on this earth plane.... there were little pixies dressed in green, dragonflies she would have loved to hang around her much loved cottage - there was even a little sprite named Daisy... I bought myself two gargoyles to sit on my steps to frighten those evil spirits away (that is the theory, anyhow). And as I walked around, I felt halfway normal. I talked to a man who is going to try to make me a hare for my garden and I looked for a gazing ball.

We then went for a walk and I felt myself grieving again. I remembered the time when I was telling her about how I felt when I walked in Katoomba, how it was an amazing feeling in my soul and her wise words:- that she believed it was a power spot for me...to walk there, when I felt the need for energy .. it may be time to take a long walk.

it was beginning to get cold by now, so we ducked into a little coffee shop for a lovely warm drink... and then off home. As we travelled back down the mountain - a car passed by and I glanced at the number plate :~

DAI - SEY

. . . a sign, perhaps? or should I say, another sign... there have been many this past week.

the solstice gift

last night, I opened my gift from Daisy. I sobbed and howled til I knew I had to take control of myself.

She had sent me a medieval garden book that she had promised me awhile back and tucked into a page titled "Mystic garden", was a note that said - "this sounds like our sort of garden, doesn't it?" - well , that set me off again. As did the string of blue butterflies & crystals that she sent to me to "hang above my bed" - there was a yule sabbat card, some yule incense and a package of glitter and fabric.

I am trying to be strong, but truly I can't - I can't stop thinking of her, I can't eat. I have chest pains..... I know eventually I will be at the end of this dark grief tunnel but right now, there ain't no light I can see........

winter solstice ~

Daisy was my confidante, my mentor and part of my soul family. I would often say to her, that I wish we lived near each other and she always said that the world could not cope with the two of us together, that we balanced each other by being on opposite sides of the world. The yin and the yang of the world. She knew me - she knew what I believed. She understood what I believed and she believed the same thing. we had the same dreams, the same waking times, we each had a twin record keeping crystal. We celebrated winter solstice and midsummer at the same time.... on opposite sides of the globe. We planted a tree in each of our gardens in honour of our friendship - me a rowan and she planted a eucalypt - her little bit of Australia, she called it. She didn't give up until she found my great grandmother for me..... she knew of my love for Cornwall. We were in the middle of creating for each other, an altered book of shadows ( I will share the one I was making for her, later on). the day she passed, there was a parcel on its way to her from me and one to me from her, I received mine a few days after she left........ She was teaching me her knowledge of the 'craft'. we were planning on meeting up in a year or two and maybe travelling to Cornwall together. Hilary and I have spent many incarnations together and I just found her in this one, and have lost her again. She was my soul connection to Cornwall.
tonight, I will be honouring her, in my sacred space, under my pine tree, where faeries live. I will have a farewell ceremony of my own - to say "canu'n iach" to my best friend....

today my heart aches. a painful spot right in the middle of my breastbone. a pain that goes much deeper than this life ~ this is the pain from a past life connection with her, the time of the Druids I believe.

I am taking the advice given to me before Daisy passed ~ physician heal thyself. I am fortunate enough to have my healing crystal collection, that I can choose most crystals that I can ever need. So I choose rhodonite - a pink crystal - a heart healer - it heals emotional shock and panic, lending a supportive energy to the soul in the process. Rhodonite clears away emotional wounds and scars from the past, whenever that may be. It can be used in past life healing. you place it over the heart for healing of the emotional wounds.... so this I did.

and as I did so - I placed my hands over it, took a very deep breath and said the words:

**I place my hands on my own dear heart

with the gentleness and with exquisite care;

the care I would afford a tiny frozen bird I found here on my doorstep.

here, with my gentle healing hands my touch brings warmth and life;

to right what once went wrong;

to heal what once was broken.

fear not my love

I will do all I can do for you

for sure, I am no angel but what I have to give, I give to you**

*author unknown*

with that, I went to sleep, sleeping nearly all night in that position - hands over heart with crystal doing its work......

Tuesday

today the grief comes in waves. I sob and sob. I email people constantly, hoping that someone will say a magic word to take this emptiness away. I still cannot believe that there will be no more words of wisdom, no more emails, no more support & advice from her. No more sabbat gift swaps. Yesterday, I received my yule package from Daisy, it sits here unopened. To look at it makes me physically sick and yet, I am wanting to hold it, knowing it was the last thing she sent to me. I want to smell it and absorb it... but it sits unopened. She emailed me and told me she had sent the package off - her words were "at least I managed to get your yule package off" - now its here. I tried to do something normal today, I drove to my little hippy shop but it was closed... so I just drove. Then I came home, emailed more people...hoping that the magick word would be said and then I had a sleep... then I woke with a start and decided to go to Katoomba. I thought if I bought myself something it would take the pain away.... so I am now the proud owner of a GreenMan rondel that I will hang in my home.... but I look at it and it means nothing now....oh my god, this ache is just dreadful.

Monday June 18th

right now my heart is absolutely breaking in two. I cannot stand the raw grief. I sit at this computer waiting for an email from someone, so I can pour my heart out, or for someone to come onto the yahoo chat, so I can at least talk to someone who understands. I cannot stand the going to sleep at night, hoping beyond all hope that when I wake in the morning, this will all be a dream. The knowing that there is never going to be another email from Hilary, that not another sabbat lesson is coming to me at each turn of the wheel of the year.

she use to tell me how to treat the faeries, .... now I am on my own. She gave me snippets of ideas on how to decorate my home with a magickal feel... Oh God, I loved her garden, I loved her home and I adored her. last night I cried and sobbed and wanted to go and just lie on the ground outside - but it was wet and freezing.. I wanted to find her star. I feel like screaming NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO ! I always wanted a bosom buddy, just like Ann - Hilary was my Diana Barry, god gave me what I had prayed for and now she has been taken away. It is not fair, not bloody fair.

selfish I may sound and I make no apologies - I haven't a thing to give to anyone right now - it is all for me.

like I said to a friend - I want someone to wave their magick wand and take the pain away

see you in my dreams

farewell my best friend, my sweet heart sister * you will be with me always.

I miss you already xoxo

oh god, my heart is breaking