oh gawd, what a week! full moon sent me bonkers. is it all in my head? but as low as I felt, I still had time to find gratitude for the blessings in my life. just last night my daughter Sophie was looking at me and said ' you know mum, you are really pretty' - I was taken aback. I had a little bit of makeup on, not much and my hair was up but I didn't feel pretty - I felt old and haggard. her remark made me cry.
I also am grateful for the emails that I received - some of them hit home for sure. one email said in part :- "it's all just like the school playground really, one week someone is flavour of the month, next week someone brings in a new toy and everyone is all over them like a rash, then a new girl arrives and everyone wants to be best friends and someone else gets neglected..." and another: "Perhaps you just need to cave for a while? Perhaps you're giving away too much energy right now and need to be inside just you and your life for a bit?Remember, the energy in women's lives waxes and wanes. Sometimes we can give, sometimes we need to retreat."
and so many more kind, thoughtful words. words that made me think. and I am grateful for each one. ....
so ...while reading today's entry in Simple Abundance - I realised that I don't know how to 'pray' or talk to whoever it is that we are supposed to talk to.....I was indoctrinated as a child with the 'on your knees, thanking & fearing God and asking him to bless everyone except yourself' and I have never progressed from there. I am not talking religion here (hate, hate that word and all that goes with it) I am talking spirituality. I was brought up with an awful, fearing God - oh we sang all the lovely songs at sunday school and I never understood why in the songs He was supposed to be bringing joy into my heart when inside my soul, I was quaking in my boots from fear, hell and damnation. and I am still waiting to rejoice after bringing in my sheaves whatever the hell they are.
I treat myself just like that - I judge myself and make myself fearful to a point of insanity, me thinks
oh yes, I go through the motions, contemplating, reflecting and all that but I never reach out to whatever it is out there that is bigger than me - Goddess, God, universe, * call it what you will. I try to handle stuff myself. I forget to ask for help, or more it is that I don't know how. And I never completely put my trust in whoever we are supposed to put our trust in
-hopefully with the help of simple abundance, I can learn to put my trust in whatever I am supposed to and find inner peace, because I so want to!
oh yes, I go through the motions, contemplating, reflecting and all that but I never reach out to whatever it is out there that is bigger than me - Goddess, God, universe, * call it what you will. I try to handle stuff myself. I forget to ask for help, or more it is that I don't know how. And I never completely put my trust in whoever we are supposed to put our trust in
-hopefully with the help of simple abundance, I can learn to put my trust in whatever I am supposed to and find inner peace, because I so want to!
what a mouthful all that was!
6 comments:
I hope you are feeling better! You know there are lots of times when I don't hear from my cyberfriends for a while.. I don't think a thing about it..cuz they could be sick, on vacation, etc.! As one of the Four Agreements says "Don't take things personally"! If blogging is causing you that much pain and anguish you can make your self sick! Take care of your self! As I have said before, you are such a good artist..your dolls are fantaastic, you have lots of fun things going on! Peace and Love!!!!
Hello. I often see your comments over at Potato Prints. I'm new to the blog world, but I'm really moved by the anguish of this couple of posts of yours. It seems to me it is all too easy to get caught up in numbers in this game -- like how many sales have you made this week. Are people looking at my blog? No one commented on this posting! I'll never be nominated as best blog in one of those contests! Etc. Etc. I do it too, not just in blogland, but in my real life. "I'll never be Teacher of the Year!" But it gets back to your original intentions in beginning to blog. Do you simply want to write, and this is an easy way to publish your writing? Are you writing for yourself or others?
It's a weird thing because, unlike a book, your writing descends into obscurity pretty quickly. But it does feel good to know that people read it and appreciate it.
I got a cd from the library this week -- a US folksinger named Rosalie Sorrels -- and this particular recording is songs interspersed with her reading exerpts of her mother's writing. I don't know if her mother wrote to be published or not, but it's very beautiful and heartfelt, and not at all self conscious.
And maybe that's a problem with blogging -- with the ability to keep track and have immediate comments -- it makes you very self conscious, and then the doubt and the angst left over from -- God, those God-awful teen years -- rears its ugly head.
I don't know where I'm going with this long rambling comment. Except, you seem to be a beautiful person and a friend of Caroline's (Potato Prints)who is a good friend of mine. I wish you some faith, peace and serenity. I hope you will continue to do whatever makes you feel good and valued.
One last thing -- I did both The Artist's Way and Simple Abundance a few years ago, and while I got some good things out of them, I also often felt inadequate. Like, I couldn't even do the wannabe artist thing well! Sheesh. I had to plumb much deeper on my own, to find a place where I feel contentment. Maybe I'm just getting old. Who knows?
You know, whoever sent you that first email had it right. I've been in this situation too, and puzzled when someone who made a fuss over me suddenly disappeared with no explanation. Yes, it must be a flavor-of-the-month-thing.
I hope it helped you, because it's helped me. Thank you for posting it. xoxo
I am so happy to see you back and blogging. I think we all have a bit of that "flavor of the month" thing happen to us. Just be yourself and be true to yourself and that's about all you can do. No matter how hard we try we can't make someone like us, or make people comment on our blogs, or make people do much of anything! We can only be ourselves. Just be miss*R and be happy with her and the rest won't really matter.
Darling, as magical as you are, even you need help now and then - so don't hesitate to ask! As for the "flavour of the month," don't pay any attention to such nonsense. So often people have things going on in their lives that they don't share; things about which we may have no clue. So we can't take someone's sudden disappearance or absence personally. As other readers have said, the important thing is to remain true to yourself! Much love, dearest Robyn. And come toss your name in the hat at "On Paris Time." xo
You seem to be in better spirits Robyn which is great news. I'm sure the heat there isn't helping things, I find it really intensifies what I'm going through and my emotions. Cool showers, walk in the dew. Keep your hands in the earth.
Post a Comment